Chance
by Nange14
Summary: They have been crossing paths, their whole lives. What happens when they finally meet? AU. Brittana
1. Chapter 1

The sun was beating down onto the old truck. Everything was quite except the crunch of the dusty gravel beneath its wheels. I wiped the back of my hand across my forehead, trying to cool down. Damn, this hot weather, I thought. The air was like syrup under the glass of the truck.

I had been driving from Cincinnati, to meet my parents and was on my way back to Ohio. The trip was long and boring and as much as I loved my parents -not worth the drive.

The shirt I was wearing was sticking to my chest and a trickle of sweat ran down my temple. Jesus, I needed to make a stop. I took the road to the left and followed a sign for gas, I was running low and I wasn't going to risk getting left in the middle of nowhere. The road got narrower and rockier, bouncing me in my seat. My hands slipped on the steering wheel. This is going to bust my tires. As I anticipated, the truck made one final wheeze and grumbled to a stop.

"fuuuuuuuc-" I waved my hands in exasperation, this could not be happening. I decided to walk to the gas station and see if anyone could help me. Grabbing my bag I jogged up the hill, I saw an old garage like building with a few gas hoses. Sighing with relief I pulled myself up the crest of the hill and approached the garage. I could hear metal on metal and squinted into the shade.

"Oh, mierda, no los gases de escape de nuevo, jodida mierda!"

"Um...hello?" I waved into the dark, my eyes starting to get used to the shade. A squatting figure turned round, straitened and walked towards me into the light.

My jaw dropped.

I could feel my cheeks begin to flush and I started to fidget.

Her skin was golden and her hands were smeared with car grease, her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She looked effortless. A tight white vest hugged her torso; she defiantly had abs. Holy shit, fuck...say something! Before I had the chance she smirked and tilted her head to the side.

"My name is Santana, how can I help you?"

I realised I had been staring at her lips for the past 30 seconds, my mouth still hanging open. I shut it and ran my hand through my hair to distract myself -it didn't work.

"My car...um...out of gas and...Yea...stuck halfway up...hill...was wondering?"

She turned around and bent over, I nearly opened my mouth again.

"Drink" she ordered me. "You will feel better, and then maybe be I will actually understand what you're saying"

I thought she was making fun of me but then she smiled, so I did as I was told.

"Better?"

"Yea" I muttered. She leaned back onto the bonnet of the car. I pretended not to look at her arm muscles flexing.

We walked to my car, a tank of gas between us.

"Did you understand what I was saying back in the garage?"

I looked round at her. I had to stop starting.

"Something about hoses… and fucking?"

"Wanky" she smirked, raising one eyebrow. I giggled, wait, what I just giggled, oh my god get yourself under control.

We reached the car and she popped the bonnet and leaned over, her top rode up, revealing her lower back and dimples. I made a mixture between a groan and a muffled cry. She gave me a look.

"Well you've broken a part of the coolant by driving on little to no gas. It's fixable but it will take a few days" I was having trouble concentrating, her voice was rasping next to me.

"Oh crap", I gulped. "Well I guess I will just sleep in the car I suppose"

"You can stay in the house" she gave me a sly smile.

Balls.

I told her it was okay, I think she knew I wanted to. I was not subtle...I needed to work on that.

"You really do!" she sniggered. I said that out loud! I blushed and shrugged.

We walked back to the garage as the sun was setting, carrying the can of gas between us. Yawning I smiled at her.

"So…where are you heading?" Santana grinned at me. She is loving this, I could tell.

"I was…um visiting my parents- now driving back home to Ohio"

"Oh wow I haven't been to Ohio in years, I went to school there"

We had strangely been to the same school at the same time; neither of us knowing how many times our worlds had collided.

After dropping the gas off, Santana led me up to the main house, she abruptly told me to face the opposite direction. I frowned.

"Wait…why?"

"I'm getting my key from my hiding place, and you could be an axe murder for all I know" I sniggered.

"Isn't that a bit pointless seeing as your inviting me in anyway?"

"Don'ts be giving me attitude, this is a once in a lifetime experience!"

"Did you just go ghetto on me?"

"Shut yo white ass!" she retorted, I laughed.

"Smooth!"

The house was small and cosy, there were warm rugs on the floor and a lamp lit the room, as the day began to fade. I followed her into the kitchen and she opened the fridge, the artificial light glowing on her skin.

"Beer?" she offered, shrugging I accepted and tipped the liquid down my throat. I saw her watching me and smiled. Some beer may or may not have just dribbled down my chin. Leaning forward she wiped it with her thumb, and then seductively licked it off her own hand. I blushed.

"You're such a tease." She winked,

"I'll stop when you stop blushing"

"Challenge accepted" I smirked. Yes, back on top Peirce.

Little did either of them know that both of their lives had been sculpted to these pivotal encounters, which by chance finally brought them together.

_Santana, a mere two year old, enveloped in her mother's arms, too young to fully understand and see the world that is around her, she still experiences that flash of blond, that smell of warmth and safety, those blue twinkly eyes. And her mother stares at her daughter, surprised as she reaches towards another mother's daughter, in the queue; her small hands grabbing at air as the blond child gurgles happily at her. _

Santana showed me her house and the garden and we seemed to get lost in each other's conversation –well me in her gorgeousness. We had moved onto the wine and were both getting increasingly drunk. Santana sat in front of me legs crossed in the living room. I was having trouble keeping my thoughts and words separate.

"Your face could ruin lives!" I blurted out. I gulped down some more wine so she wouldn't see my blush or just hopefully forget that just happened.

"Please take this wine off me, I have been told I am a stripper drunk and I have already gone past the 'speaking my mind' stage" I half grinned and frowned at her.

"No way, this is getting better and better"

I rolled my eyes, this _is_ getting ridiculous.

"Okay, okay…let's play truth or dare"

"That is the worst idea ever," she snorted at that.

"I'll start Truth or Dare?" She winked at me.

"Truth, I'm not drunk enough to do any dares."

"Uhmmm…"

Her hand brushed her own arm just so, as she thought. The corners of her mouth rose in a sneaky but cute smile. Her eyes wandered as if she was searching through the maze of her mind.

"Best talent?" She smiled. "And I want a demo." She said winking at me.

I groaned, "Dancing I guess…yea I dance, professionally and yea…"

"DEMO!" she whooped. I mumbled in protest. "I am so lucky."

I walked over to her IPod in her IPod dock and flicked through the songs. I needed something fun and sexy and not too long. Perfect, I thought as I eyed the song, hitting play.

The song began to play and I twirled round as I pulled the band out of my hair letting the gold locks fall. Winking at Santana, sitting on the floor, I began.

The beat started and flicked my hair to the side and dropped my butt to the floor, slowly rising and gyrating my hips- loving the effect this was having on her.

_Gi-girl I turn this thing into a rainforest_

_Rain on my head, call it brain stormin' _

The song manipulated my body; I was twisting and turning, popping my chest and running my hands everywhere.

_Yea this is deep. Oh. But I go deeper _

_Make, make ya lose yourself _

_And finders keepers. _

I slid my feet across the floor and bounced my body. Opening my legs I ground my hips and winked at Santana, who, at this point was blushing, wide eyed with her mouth open.

_I like to taste that sugar _

_That sweet and low_

_But hold up wait_

_New position _

I grabbed her hand and pulled her into me. My new found confidence, increasing.

_Cos I let her ride_

_While I drive her crazy _

I pushed my front into her back as I held one of her hands above my head, running my other hand down her side and resting on her hip. She tilted her head slightly to the side, and I brushed my nose up her neck, over her jaw and whispered in her ear:

"Good talent?"

She shivered and closed her eyes, nodding. The song was coming to a close and I pulled away from her smiling.

_Santana sat in her front garden playing with the sand, hearing a van she looked down the residential street and saw it park next to the house with the "SOLD" sign. She wiped her little hands on her overalls and stood up, peeking over the garden gate. She watched as a cheerful couple tumbled out the van, the woman turning round to help out a little girl in a blue dress that made her eyes sparkle. Santana giggled as the girl sneezed as the dust tickled her nose. The girl looked up at her and scrunched her nose, Santana giggled again. _

"_What are you giggling about chica?"_

"_Look at her mama, look at her!" _

"_Yes peque, I'm looking straight at her"_

"_She so, so…beautiful" _

"My turn" I said sniggering at Santana's wide eyes.

"Truth or dare?"

She seemed to shake herself out of a trance, and looked at me, eyebrows furrowing.

"Uhhh, truth…no dare, yea dare"

"Okay good cos truth is really hard to think up. Um how about…I dare you to…oh-"

I laughed at my Idea, dares are always sexy and I wasn't going to disappoint. But this had to be good. I burst out laughing.

"Oh god"

"I dare you to strip naked and run down the road and back"

"NO!" I gasped at her answer.

"You have to it's a dare, otherwise it's a forfeit." She frowned at that. "The forfeit will be a strip tease" I said while laughing again.

"Fine! Fine…but you better turn around!"

I did and I heard clothing drop to the floor. I couldn't stop myself from turning round and I saw a tanned back with a twisting tattoo, following the ripples of her muscles. I think she sensed someone watching as she turned round. Looking over her shoulder she smirked.

"Typical" she whispered.

The next thing I knew she was right in front of me, a grin on her lips. Hooking her thumbs under my top she smiled at the gasp that escaped my lips. I splayed my hands across her lower back and pulled her into me. Her lips centimetres from mine she ghosted the words:

"I dare you to kiss me."

I brushed my lips against hers and I felt her sigh, moving her hands from my hips to my hair, as she lost her hands in my locks. Leaning forward I pressed into her pillow like lips. Her lips parted and I grinned into the kiss, grazing my teeth over her plump bottom lip as I sucked. Hissing she grazed her hands down my neck and over my back and pulled my top off. Then pushed me up against the wall I moaned at her roughness, my body beginning to melt, core outwards. As her mouth moved over mine and her body moved over mine I could feel her muscles flexing under my hands and I gripped her close pulling her flush against me, feeling her nipples through my bra. She reached behind me and undid it letting the clothing fall to the floor. She moaned at the feeling of our naked bodies against each other. I wrapped my legs around her waist and she wedged me between the wall and her body. Latching her mouth on my neck, she sucked and nibbled, as my lips ghosted intimately over her forehead. I had an overwhelming moment in which I felt as if this was exactly where I was supposed to be almost like I had been waiting all my life.

We were so close; our bodies locked together, our mouths attaching to anything close. Her hand dropped between us, a thumb dragging across an already hard nipple. I bit my lip in a failed attempt to quieten the effect she was having on me. She licked up my throat and kissed my chin as she watched as I my walls started to crumble. Our underwear had dropped to the floor, she held me under my butt and pulled me into her as she carried me onto her bed, her biceps flexing under the exertion. Everything became more heated as she propped herself above me brushing my hair out of my eyes with her thumb.

"Is this okay?"

"Ye-Yes, please" I matched her smile.

With that she ran her hands up my thighs, making my toes curl and my hands grab the bed covers. I sat up needing to be close to her and pulled her onto my lap. She smirked at the sudden change and once again lowered her lips to mine dragging her tongue over mine sending an electric shock straight to my core, and my abs tensed. I whined at the teasing and she sniggered biting my jaw and dragging her hand between me and her, she cupped me and I gasped, pushing into her hand. Sliding a digit through me and dragging across my bundle of nerves. I cried out and she moved into me and my hips rolled into her, as if we were dancing.

We moved together, my mouth on her shoulder, muffling my moans; her's on my neck like a lifeline. Our bodies rippled against each other and I too reached down and felt her. The heat against my hand and we rocked against each other, inside each other. I felt her breath becoming short, puffing onto my neck. I was so close, right on the edge, our moaning got loader.

Our eyes locked, as our thighs began to quiver and our torso's began to shake, lips finding each other once again. We let go, our bodies convulsing, riding off the pleasure.

I heard you sigh as we leaned back into the mattress, your legs around my waist and my arms around your neck and we lay there catching our breath and letting sleep envelope us.

"Right get up and run down the road" I whispered.

"No chance" She snorted happily, nuzzling into my neck.

"Not such a badass now, huh?"

"Oh shuddup, otherwise I will have to love you down again"

I raised my eyebrow. "Tempting" I retorted, earning another snort. I relaxed into the feeling of utter calm in the arms of a woman I barely knew, feeling as though I had, all my life. I watched you slip into a deep slumber with a hint of a smile on your lips. And I contemplated how lucky I was.


	2. Chapter 2

(I made a few silly mistakes in the last/first chapter, anyway here goes nothing)

Chapter 2:

I could feel something heavy on my face, and I tried to swat it away but my arm was stuck. I heard some muffled grumbling and a million things rushed into my head: Had I been kidnapped? Am I a Unicorn and the thing on my face is actually a horn? My tummy rumbled and I wondered if there was food anywhere. I peeled open my eyes and was startled by brown hair. I didn't have brown hair! Then I remembered the aborted Truth or dare game and too much wine.

"Santana…" I whispered in a sing song voice.

Her eyebrows furrowed, her nose scrunched up and she swore under her breath.

"Charming" I sniggered as she cracked one eye open and then shut it abruptly at the light.

"s'waths undherr my arm?" She asked slurring through her sleep.

"My face, I think I have an elbow dent on my cheek, which is just brilliant!"

I could see her eyes roll under her eyelids and I smiled. I started to get up deciding that if I didn't eat soon- my stomach would start eating itself. I pulled my arm from under her waist and felt the pins and needles rush to my wrist, like an army of ants. I looked across the room for something to wear, remembering that I had left most of my clothes in the living room. I picked up a T-shirt and slipped it on. "RUN DMC" was written on the front. Smiling, I ran my hands through my hair and walked towards the doorframe.

"Doing a runner?" I turned around just to see her cringe. One hand was propping her up against the mattress, the other rubbing her eye. She looked adorable.

"With your T-shirt on, no underwear and a broken car, even you could do better than that" I winked at her.

She mock gasped and chucked a pillow at me. Way off the mark. Laughing I turned and called behind me:

"Does this hovel have any food?"

"When I catch you, you will be sorry!" She retorted.

"NEVER!" I guffawed, skipping across the front room into the kitchen. Opening the fridge I eyed the contents. I sniffed the milk and decided it was safe. I made a bowl of cereal and leaned against the worktop. Santana padded in squinting at me suspiciously, with a little grin on her lips.

"I don't even know you and you're eating my cereal" she smiled at me.

"I think it's a bit late for that considering we had uh-sex" I blushed and she scratched her arm at the sudden awkwardness.

"Yes, well uh-that wasn't planned so…"

"Has that happened before? S-someone needing help and you, ya know letting them sleep in your bed?"

Both her eyebrows rose, and she took a step back, her eyes tensing.

"Like I said, it wasn't planned!" her tone was harsh and I flinched. Had I done something wrong? I stopped eating the cereal and placed the bowl down, taking a step forward.

"I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to offend you, I mean I can't talk and we hardly know each other…"

She stepped back. I started to worry; I didn't mean it like that. What had I meant? I frowned and looked at the ground and then looked back up at her. She stood as if she was squished in a box with walls on all sides. I suddenly felt sad. What was going on? I hardly knew Santana but she made me feel different, just looking at her, knowing I had made her upset made me feel weird and uncomfortable. I took another step forward as her face snapped up at me and I stared into her eyes, eyes I felt as though I had known forever. The sudden rush of emotions I was having made my legs waver. I needed to make this right! I tried to un-jumble my mind, searching for the right words.

"Santana, I'm sorry, I don't know you properly yet but – I want to."

I saw her shoulder relax and I sighed in relief, usually I mess up my words. I took another timid step towards her and she didn't move away, so I wrapped my arms around her, breathing in her morning smell and didn't let go until she started to complain about lack of air or something irrelevant like that.

She stepped back and looked at me, with a faint smile, suddenly her eyes widened and she shook her head.

"Oh my god," she gasped "I don't even know your name, I have seen you naked but I don't know your name. I have become a creep!"

I laughed at her frustration and worry blatant on her face.

"Guess," I replied, wiggling my eyebrows.

_Santana walked into the main hall of the secondary school, trying to hide her anxiousness as she avoided the already seated eyes. She saw an empty place towards the back and she climbed up the stairs, edging in front of people's knees as she finally sat. Glancing at the people around her, she scoped out the clichés her judgmental routine interrupted as a tall blond girl walked in, wearing tight denim shorts and a duck print shirt. Throughout the assembly she couldn't tear her eyes away from the girl; sitting two rows forward. The teachers began to call out the lists of classes and her knuckles turned white as she gripped the seat, hoping they were in the same group. _

"_Brittany S. Peirce?" The mysterious girl waved her hand, "Right here!" _

_A few people sniggered. Name after name was called; Santana's name was not on the list. Her shoulder slumped; she felt as though she had missed something big; something that would change things. She sighed as she watched the girl disappear into the sea of people. _

"Brittany" she answered.

My mouth formed an 'O' in surprise and tilted my head to the side, as if to make sure she hadn't cheated.

"How, how…?"

"I just, it just came to me, and I don't know actually, I just knew I guess, I kind of felt like I remembered it…"

"Well if you know any other hidden things about me, now is the time to come clean"

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and I snorted at the state of her mind. She picked up my bowl and began to tuck in, stuffing the soggy pieces in her mouth like a starved animal.

"Oh please help yourself" I added, the bowl nearly empty anyway.

"I am, and it's very pleasing thank you very much. Considering this is my cereal in the first place."

"Oh potato, potato"

I carried on watching her eat my breakfast, taking extra care to focus on how beautiful she looked and the way her hair reflected the light.

"So what's the plan with my car?" I asked feeling a strange pang inside me knowing that when my car was ready I would have no reason to stay.

"I'm going to look at in a minute and check if you need any new parts and blah blah blah…" Santana shook her hands about as if it wasn't important. When, in fact the way she uses her hands to describe what she cares about and stands up a little straighter it made me stare at her that little bit longer.

I followed Santana down the hill where my briefly forgotten car sat, the dew of the morning making the metal work twinkle. This time she had brought her tool box, which she refused to let me help her carry:

"You have already questioned my bad ass factor; I don't want any rumours about me getting soft, spreading."

I shrugged at that and watched as she once again popped the bonnet, squinting at the machinery in concentration. I waited patiently and quietly as Santana fiddled around with tools, checking the temperature of different parts and asking me now and then to start the engine. After an hour of close analysing by Santana and 'motivation' on my part, she declared:

"I need to pick you up a new part," I groaned in reply. New parts meant more money and I didn't have much and I wasn't near any bank that I knew of.

"It's okay you don't have to pay me right now, I can put it on your tab of cereal and bed sheets" she sniggered at me in reply.

I collected some things I needed from the car, and then we walked back to the house. I lay on the couch relaxing into the cushions. I could hear Santana shuffling about in the Kitchen and it was nice, just lying there. I was abruptly interrupted by a vibration under my butt and I sat up in surprise.

_No no no no_

_Don't phunk with my heart_

_Yea…_

"Seriously?" I looked towards Santana with raised eyebrows, holding out the phone to her

"Oh puh-lease!" she replied, I rolled my eyes and pretended not to listen to her conversation.

"Fabray, long time no gay…alright calm down, Jesus I can hear the dwarf…yes I _know_! Oh really, yea I might, what ugh dress code…she's consuming you and eating your mind…yes I _know _she's your _wife_! Okay well see you soon, if you're, lucky…oh god!"

I didn't understand half of the things Santana said but she sounded as if she was talking to someone she trusted.

"That was a friend, Quinn she just invited me to a party to celebrate the second year of her new house, which is just ridiculous and I blame it fully on Rachel, the little hobbit, but as you are staying a few more nights I was wondering if you wanted to go?"

I think she realised she was rambling when she saw my wide eyes. I rubbed my nose and looked at her nervously. Meeting new people was always weird.

"Who's Rachel?"

"Oh sorry, I'll explain them to you. Quinn is my home girl from back in the day and we used to hang around loads but then a short wailing hobbit seduced her and now I make her work for my love. That dwarf is Rachel, her wife."

"Right…" I must have sounded alarmed and she winked at me to show me she was joking and I could tell that she really cared about them.

"Am I allowed to just come? I mean I don't know any of them, I still don't know you very well…"

"They're great, I'm sure some other people will come. Mike, you will love Mike he is an amazing dancer! What better way to get to know me? Why not come?"

I grinned; it did sound fun so I nodded.

"Wait I don't have anything to wear!" I slumped back into the couch. She laughed.

"There are shops down the road and you can go get an outfit or whatever, I can drop you and then go look online for a part for your car."

I told her that sounded perfect and I collected my phone and purse and she took me in her car, down the dusty track, past my truck, heading east until we hit a row of shops with a few people bustling about. Dropping me off I said I would ring her when I was done.

"So needy" she tutted playfully- through the window of the car, before she drove back to her house.

I looked up and down the street, trying to think of something to wear; I felt the need to impress Santana.

I walked into a shop that had dresses in the window. I used to love window shopping, my dad used to take me and we would explore all the little antique shops, finding little treasures and hidden gems. It felt as if we were in a fairy tale, looking into a chest like pirates. We would go out together just me and him and spend the whole day lost in the back of shops, or in the rickety changing rooms where gruff men showed us their toy collection and old women –their wedding dresses. I remember our rule, that we would only ever get each other presents from a secret antique shop, perfect just for us. I smiled at the memories, the memories I keep closest to my heart.

I ran my hand across a railing of clothing feeling the different materials under my fingers. Too short, too long, too sparkly; my hands rested on a duck print all in one and I giggled as I imagined the look Santana would give me if I turned up in it. I decided against it and pulled out a pair of long silky green pants that made me legs look long. I picked a purple, sleeveless top and heels to match.

As I wandered round the shops, stopping briefly for a coffee, my mind rested on Santana and the little I knew about her. There was just something about her that made me look twice, as if I had seen her before. I had only spent a few hours away from her and I still felt like I was missing something, missing her. She made me feel warm and comfy when I was around her, and I had only been around her for a few days. That must count for something I thought. I could have sworn that I _had_ seen her before. My mind drifted to last night, and for a stranger, how close I felt to her, how intimate it felt. She felt safe; I was so ready to feel safe.

I called her and she picked me up, asking what I was going to wear.

"Wait and see" I replied suggestively. I think she blushed.

Arriving at her house as it started to get dark, I asked:

"How much time do I have to get ready?"

"It's seven now and we should get there before they are all drunk and sobbing, so and hour, hour and a half?"

"I'm using the bathroom," I yelled as I grabbed my bag and rushed upstairs. I heard her laugh as I galloped up the stairs, my eagerness showing.

I never really liked putting make up on. It itched and it always took too long to take off. A friend once told me I had good eyes. She taught me how to make my eyes look good with make-up. I sat at the mirror, eye liner in one hand, and tongue between my teeth in concentration. I had to make sure I didn't smudge it or mess it up. I ran my hands through my hair, deciding to leave it wavy, on my shoulders. Then I put my outfit on and admired how well I had done. I was looking forward to dancing and meeting other people to dance with, but mostly I wanted to dance with Santana.

I walked into the living room my heels clicking satisfyingly.

"Are you ready yet?" I called out in the general direction.

"Nearly," Santana answered and I felt excited to see her. I wondered what was going to happen tonight. I was looking forward to meeting her friends. I wondered where I would sleep later, and I remembered yesterday night. It brought a blush to my cheeks.

I heard her door open and I looked round. She was wearing a short black dress that hugged her torso and showed off her legs. I followed the curve of her hip, all the way up to the curve of her smile.

"Whoa," I gasped. Her head dipped to the floor with a sheepish grin. Then as if forgetting something she looked up again almost instantly. Her eyes widened and I could feel her gaze travel from my feet upwards.

"Whoa, to you too!" she shuddered, and I felt the tips of my ears heat up.

We drove to the party. Santana parked outside and pointed to the house her friends lived at. It was big and stood alone with a garage next to it. Now I knew why her friends wanted to do a second house warming. The paint was white and the upstairs windows were dark. However the downstairs sounded lively and I could hear the music coming from inside.

Standing at the porch Santana gave me a wink and knocked on the door. I held my breath.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

The door was flung open and a woman of medium height with a short blond hair started screeching.

"Jesus Christ, she actually came. Guys we have pulled Satan out of her hovel, she is socialising! Thank the lord!"

Before Santana had the chance to thwack Quinn, she was pulled into what looked like a bone crushing hug, mumbling throughout. I smiled at the two girls, I could tell they had known each other for a long time, they moved as if they had.

_Santana tried to cool down. She could feel her anger bubbling through her veins. Squeezing her hands into fists she began to walk faster; away from her house, her family, everything that pushed on her, and moulded her. She was so tired of it. Her feet carried on forward, further and further. She gasped in air trying desperately to fill what she knew would become sobs, the image of her mother like fire in her eyes. Not now she would not be pushed now, she was so close to being free. Gripping the back of a park bench she tried to hold on to reality, reasoning herself out of anger, out of exploding. Her chest heaved, up and down, up and down. Slowly her heartbeat began to calm and her breaths returned to normal. She sat and stared at nothing. Her head lolling back in exhaustion. _

_She watched from the bench as a girl kneeled down to the pond and danced her fingers through the ripples. Smiling as the ducks flapped in surprise. She reached into a paper bag and sprinkled bread crumbs on the birds, giggling as they quacked. Unaware that a smile had rested on her lips, Santana gazed at the girl as if she was in a trance; the mere sight of her making the rest of her problems fall away. Standing up, almost pulled by an unstoppable force she began to walk around the pond towards the girl. _

_Her phone began to ring. Santana was snapped out of her trance and she glanced at the caller: Quinn. Sighing, she answered:_

"_Hey Quinn…Quinn?"_

_All she heard was a muffled cry and a call for help. Santana froze staring at her phone. She ran to her car, Quinn on her mind. _

_The girl by the pond left lost and forgotten. _

"And who's this?" Quinn asked smiling at me warmly. She was beautiful and her hair danced around her face.

"Oh I'm so sorry! This is Brittany my…" Santana looked at me, pausing. I quirked an eyebrow and waited for her to finish "…friend".

"Well any friend of Santana's in a friend of mine" Quinn confirmed and I thanked her and she hugged me complaining that meeting people was unnecessarily awkward. I knew I was going to like these people already.

Quinn led us through a corridor, which had pictures of her and another women who I assumed was Rachel. The corridor opened out into a large room with a high ceiling. Comfy chairs and couches lined the walls and a low but wide wooden table centred the room. Bottles of various different drinks where piled over the table. Shot glasses, crisps, cans, straws and pizza.

"Why do you have pizza?" Santana commented.

"Rachel was adamant that everyone must line their stomachs before drinking to stay on the safe side."

I watched as Quinn described Rachel a light twinkling in her eyes and love oozing from her words as if she was talking about a high school crush. I felt happy for this woman I had hardly met but also slightly jealous. She had a warm loving relationship in which she knew she was cared for and I…what did I have? Santana interrupted my thoughts:

"Where_ is_ the man child?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and as if on cue a short brunette flitted up and slid her arm around Quinn.

"Oh Santana I'm so glad you came. We haven't seen you for a while, and I know we don't always see eye to eye but I must say I do miss you sometimes."

I watched Santana's reaction, almost hearing the cogs in her brain turning and processing what she just heard.

"Is this some ploy she has planned? Has she spent time making spread sheets over this, is she trying to guilt trip me into being nice?" Santana whispered at Quinn, who slapped her arm.

"Be nice, that's my wife you're talking to!"

Santana shrugged her shoulders, as if that piece of information was irrelevant, which earned another slap from Quinn. I laughed at their antics.

"This is Rachel, my wife" Quinn said formally introducing her to me, as she eyed Santana suspiciously.

Rachel grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously a beaming grin opening up her face.

"And how did you meet the 'charming' Santana?" Rachel asked.

"Um, I…"

_The wheels of the trolley twisted annoyingly, meaning Santana had to grip extra hard so as the shopping didn't go veering off. She wandered past the pasta section, grabbing food for the next week: bread, milk, eggs, sauces, juice. Her mother always complained that shopping was so monotonous, but she had always enjoyed aimless walking through the aisles. Her mind would get lost elsewhere; she would be in her own little world, stopping now and then to put food in her trolley. She walked into the snacks aisle thinking back to Berry's idea of wine coolers in her basement for some 'harmless' fun. Fun was always harmful. Santana cringed at her thoughts, such a cliché she thought disgustedly. She walked towards the alcohol section, thinking this 'gathering' would need livening up in the end. She stopped and watched as a girl her age reached on her tip toes to grab a Coco Pops cereal packet. She saw her calves flex as she reached and Santana realized she had been ogling. Santana saw the box topple and the girl dropped the cereal and failed miserably to prevent ten other boxes from falling. Santana walked forward to help her. Her vision was suddenly obscured by a large headband and waving arms._

"_Santana, fancy seeing you here; actually I'm quite glad I have been worrying about this get together and Puck has invited a lot of people and I don't want it to get out of hand. You see my dads are very clean and they pride themselves in our household which is beautiful and I know you wouldn't be used to that so…" _

_Santana zoned out figuring she should just let the dwarf let it all out or at least wait until she had realized that Santana didn't care. She looked over the flailing arms to search for the girl, but the cereal boxes were back on the shelves and no traces of her were left to be seen. _

Santana stepped in and explained about the car and how she just needed a place to stay. I caught Quinn raising her eyebrows.

"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

I sniggered looking sideways at Santana who just huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Welcome aboard the Puckasaurus" The boy continued and I sniggered again. This guy was cocky; he had a ridiculous Mohawk and a school boy swagger.

"Now Noah behave we don't want you scaring the guests," Rachel tried to calm the boy down. I smiled at him and said hello.

"What is a gorgeous lady like you, doing with Santana?" he mocked. I frowned confused at whether he was complimenting me or insulting Santana.

"Oh go wax your crack Puck!" Santana retorted. She seemed used to his shocking pick-up lines and 'bad boy' persona. I stopped for a moment to appreciate how Santana always knew just what to say, even if she did have a potty mouth.

"Don't worry you'll get used to it" she explained privately to me almost as if she knew what I was thinking.

_Santana walked down the corridor feeling eyes on her, but she knew the eyes weren't on _her _but on her reputation, on the itchy polyester uniform that told everyone where she stands. She looked down and felt her skin crawl -she had let herself be confined by the simple red, white and black of the uniform. Not a uniform but a skin, a shield but not a shield of bravery, a shield of cowardice and self-pity. Santana tried to cower away from her on thoughts. Keeping her head high and her footsteps firm, marking where she belongs, where she deserves to be. Santana stops, as she sees a girl with long blond hair and holds back a giggle as she sees she is wearing leg warmers on her arms. She watches her for a minute, watches her movements as she opens her locker taking her books out. Just the simplicity of her radiance the way she calmly and without no harm to any other just 'is'. She seemed to just 'be' while everything around her slipped over her back, unimportant. Santana couldn't draw her eyes away._

_Santana felt a hand on her arm and the view slid to her left as she was pulled into the janitors closet. It smelt of bleach and wet mops and Santana stuttered, still not sure why she was in here._

"_Hey baby, figured we could fit in some alone time before first period…" _

_Santana inwardly groaned. She felt Puck's hands roam over her and she shut her eyes tightly, her hands fist by her side, trying to stop it all. Stop everything. Just stop. _

Santana introduced me to Mike who I liked immediately and we swapped numbers, so we could dance together. Slipping Santana told Mike, if he got me drunk enough he would see me dance. I blushed and Mike sniggered.

I met Tina, Mike's girlfriend from high school. Santana explained that they had always been endgame. I loved listening to Santana explain her friends, actually I just loved listening to Santana. The way her lips moved, the way she moved her hands when she cared, the way she shrugged her shoulders when she didn't.

I met Mercedes, who we didn't get much out of. She was already pretty drunk and she just kept wheezing and guffawing.

I met a boy called Artie, he was sweet and he told me his story of how he ended up in a wheel chair, and that the future was looking good for the repair of his legs. I told him that was great and I think he started flirting with me.

"And finally every group of friends needs a unicorn riding fabulous gay man...this is Kurt"

I smiled and sat next to him nursing my red plastic cup of god knows what. I think Puck gave it to me, so I left it on the side table.

"So Brittany isn't it?" I nodded. He was sitting at the edge of the couch with a piece of pizza balanced expertly on a napkin, on his knee. He had a blazer on and a scarf (which I thought was strange as we were inside) tied into a flamboyant bow.

"These lovable morons are going to get increasingly worse as they consume more liquor, you know."

I giggled at that and nodded.

"I'm sure, and aren't you?"

"Hmph, of course not; alcohol does terrible things to your natural oils, it would ruin my skin plan and I have an audition for a Broadway show on Monday"

"Wow you sing?"

He explained to me about glee club in high school and how he had grown to love performance. He even told me Santana could sing.

"If you're lucky you will hear it. As much as I used to hate to admit it she was a big competition to me in glee. She has an amazing voice"

I sat, my jaw open in surprise at the new information on Santana; she really was a dark horse, I thought. I watched her talking to Quinn and I again got lost in my swirling feelings for Santana.

Santana stood next to Quinn, happy that she could finally get some space to them. They stood in the corner of the room while everyone settled into the party, getting increasingly drunk and increasingly happier. Santana watched Brittany talk to Kurt and smiled at how easily she fitted into her close knit group of friends.

"So what's up with that?" Quinn asked nodding her head towards Brittany.

"Up with what?"

"You, two," She replied exasperated, pointing back and forth between Santana and Brittany. Santana rolled her eyes knowing Quinn would ask sooner or later.

"Nothing," Santana answered as predicted. Santana started to fiddle with her cup and looked back at Brittany, and then to Quinn.

"Shall we cut the crap about this, you tell me how you feel, I say I'm happy for you etc. etc.…"

"Fine, fine, her car broke down she's staying at my house until it's fixed and that's it"

"Is she sleeping _in _your vagina by any chance?"

"What! No jesus Quinn…I, uh," she began to blush.

"She so is isn't she!" Quinn started to squeal and Santana decided she couldn't take it any longer.

"Once…god I hate you"

"So is there anything there I mean, I don't mean to intrude bu-"

"But you already shot that horse in the face, right?"

"Ha ha," Quinn mock laughed. "No seriously I've been watching the way she looks at you and I think she's totally into you, and she's beautiful, so I think you should go for it!"

"Thanks for that input, _mum_. I, I kind of know what you mean though. I just, feel like I knew her from somewhere like we have met, or supposed to have met or something."

"Let me just get a pillow to cover that boner," Quinn giggled

"You're a dick you know that!" Santana retorted. Quinn laughed and pulled her into a hug, whispering into her ear, "Go get your girl."

I was pulled into the kitchen by Tina and Mercedes, who by this time were off their heads and screaming loudly about nothing in particular.

"Shots!" Tina cried holding up a glass. Mercedes burst out laughing again. I looked through the cupboards and found a tequila bottle.

"Fill it up, fill it up, oh yea pimp me bitch!" Mercedes had joined in on the general yelling. I snorted they were hilarious. I poured out twenty shot glasses and we put them on a tray, with some lime and a salt shaker. Tina carried them out backwards while moonwalking; I didn't even bother stopping her.

"This is what I'm talking 'bout y'all! Let's get this thing started!" Artie picked up his two shots and a slice of lime.

They all kneeled around the circular table in the middle of the room, placing their two shots next to each other.

"Last one to finish has to make out with the first to finish!" Puck exclaimed.

Everyone squealed and immediately chucked back their shots. I finished pretty quickly but Tina had been sitting there, two empty shots in her hands before me. The last was Kurt who had been forced into participating. He groaned.

"Tina sweetie, I really don't thin-"

"Come here sugar lips!" she yelled and grabbed Kurt by the neck and placed what looked like a very wet kiss right on his lips.

"Well that is something to tick off the list" he grumbled.

I could feel the liquor travel though my veins, lowering my inhibitions and making my limbs twitch. I wanted to dance. I saw Mercedes shuffle back to the kitchen to make another round and I snorted, watching her stumble and giggle.

Santana caught my eye from across the table and I winked, beckoning her towards me. She sat next to me and I could feel her breath on the side of my face and I shivered, all my feelings heightened as I become more intoxicated. She notices and sees an advantage, brushing her hand up my hidden thigh. I gulp at the drink in my hand to hide my whimper and she smirks enjoying the effect she is having on me.

Her hand stops touching me and I miss the heat already. I watch as she gets up and walks towards the bathroom, down the corridor making one final meaningful look at me before disappearing. I stand up and toss back the rest of my drink, following her path towards the bathroom. I can see the light behind the frosted out glass and I push the door open.

The second the door shuts her hands are on my wrists and she pushed me up against the tiled wall, locking my hands above my head. Our lips find each other and I sigh, finally feeling her lips between mine once again. Santana let go of my hands, dragging them down my sides. I too let my hands fall resting my upper arms on her shoulders and losing my hands in her hair and grabbing hungrily at her neck. She moans and I smirk at my accomplishment.

We bite and nip at each other's lips surprised at our new found want for each other, both unaware how much it had been growing throughout the evening. Her hands all over me, made me whimper wanting her even closer.

I could feel her tongue dip inside my mouth. My whole body felt like a live wire. Her mouth on mine was driving me crazy. I groaned wanting more.

"Whoa!"

I froze and turned my head, remembering that we forgot to lock the door. Mike stood their looking a cross between a little scared and turned on. Santana stumbled back looking a bit surprised and I nearly whined at the loss of contact.

"I uh should go," he said quickly backing out of the bathroom. I looked at him and back at Santana not sure what I should do.

"It's… fine we'll go" Santana replied quickly but still managed to scowl at Mike as she walked past him.

"Are you okay?" I looked at Santana; she looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"It just totally surprised me, I guess." She winked at me regaining her composure. "We defiantly will be picking up where we left off"

"Oh really?" I retorted in mock surprise.

"We will," she purred and nearly melted right there and then.

As it reached around one in the morning everyone started to wind down. Mike, Tina and Mercedes called a cab and left first, Tina and Mercedes announcing that:

"All yo hoes are gunna miss MercTee when we gone!" I laughed at their ridiculous name.

Then Kurt drove home, dropping Artie off. Finally Puck left, explaining that this gig wasn't providing enough chicks to please the Puck monster, and that he was moving onto bigger things. Quinn rolled her eyes at his slurred words, as he got into the cab.

Knowing Santana was too lazy to order a cab home, which would also mean coming back to pick the car up in the morning. We decided to stay in the guest room for the night. Quinn lay out some sheets and told us if we needed anything she would be in the master bedroom. I stumbled onto the bed sighing with relief as my back hit the mattress. My feet hurt from my heels and I kicked them off wiggling my toes back to life.

I heard Santana snort and I looked up. She was leaning against the door frame, the light behind her, making her a defined silhouette. I grinned at her, and rolled my head back down onto the mattress and closing my eyes.

"I really want to take this top thing off and my pants but at this point I couldn't care less" I exclaimed. I felt the bed bend and I knew she was beside me.

"Turn over," she whispered and I did as she asked. She pulled the zip from my top down and lifted it over my head. I hummed in gratitude, turning back over, my eyes still closed. Her fingers ghosted down my stomach and stopped at the waistband of my trousers. I lay still and she pushed the silk button open. I lifted my butt off the bed and Santana shook my trousers off me. I lay there my chest rising and falling, practically naked as I felt her look at me. I could hear her clothes drop to the floor. She reached me again and she reached behind my back to unclasp my bra. I tensed and she felt it.

"Do you trust me?" she whispered. I thought about it. Do I trust Santana? I tried to reason with myself, I hardly know her. But almost automatically I replied.

"Yes."

She took off my bra chucking it behind her and then I felt her fingers at my waist once again and I let her take off my pants. I felt vulnerable naked, my eyes still shut. Santana pulled the covers from beneath me and laid them softly on top of me; the soft cotton immediately smoothing out the goose bumps that had prickled all over my limbs. I felt Santana slide beneath the covers as well and I turned to face her finally opening my eyes. She too looked tired but relaxed. I scooted closer so our noses where slotted together and our lips centimetres apart. She brushed her lips against mine. I closed my eyes once again and wrapped my arms around her back, feeling her skin I knew she too was naked. I pulled her on top of my body, like another cosier blanket. She tucked her head underneath my chin, brushing her nose against my neck. Tangling my legs within hers, I sighed at the calming and sudden intimacy. At the sound she held onto my sides and pulled me impossibly close. Our breathing began to fall in rhythm and we let go in each other's arms, knowing that 'this' whatever it was needed to be talked about. But we waited patiently, melting into one another till morning.


	4. Chapter 4

So I haven't written for a while which is embarrassing, my excuse is exams but it's still a shitty excuse. Anyway the story is about to pick up. All the mistakes are mine, unfortunately. Give me thoughts

Chapter 4:

It was warm, not too hot and not too cold. I lay there feeling the light start to enter the room, my body waking up. I looked down and Santana's face, still lying perfectly in the crook of my neck, her warm delicate breaths soothing me. Her arm was around my chest holding on to my torso, my leg over her hip pulling her close so we balanced each other. I could feel her stomach press in rhythm against my upper thigh as she breathed. It was so calming knowing that she was there and each touch to my thigh was a reminder that she was and she was okay and with me. I ran the pad of my thumb across her forehead and down her jaw brushing away any lock of hair. I carried on, framing her body, feeling each rung of her ribs and the dip of her hip. I felt her swallow against my collar bone and her jaw move. Santana ran her hands up the side of my chest brushing the side of my boob and resting on the side of my face.

"Hey," she whispered her voice husky from sleep and her eyes still closed. I smiled knowing that she didn't need to open her eyes; she could trust that it was me, trust. I thought about what she had done for me and how much I appreciated her. I need to tell her that.

"I really appreciate you…" I stammered, wait that didn't sound right.

"What?" she mumbled opening her eyes and raising her head to look into mine.

"I-I mean I like you and your nice and I…"

Santana reached up with her hand and slipped it behind my neck pulling me towards her lips. I happily obliged, glad that she wasn't as confused as I was with my words. Pulling my bottom lip into her mouth, I sighed contently into the kiss. I had never had a proper morning kiss before. She moved her body so she was directly above me and our bodies were pressed flat against each other. I could feel her nipples against mine and I smiled into the kiss.

"I" Kiss. "Like" Kiss. "You" Kiss "Too." Each kiss made me feel warmer and safer and I wanted to pull Santana so close as if we were the same person.

Both her arms were on each side of my head, propping her up and her hair fell like a curtain on her left side, blocking out the light from outside. I couldn't stop smiling and I felt my cheeks pulling at the skin on my face at the force of the smile.

"You look a bit psycho with that smile" Santana teased.

"I don't care; I like you too much to care!"

Santana froze, just for a second and I tensed, my smile faltering. Then she blushed and a shy smile played across her lips as if in that moment she had decided that my declaration was safe.

"Wait a minute. Where has your crazy smile gone?" She asked.

"I knew you loved it really!"

Santana squinted at me for a second and then peppered me with kisses until I smiled like a madwomen again.

"So…" I dragged out, running my hands up her upper arms and down her naked back where the cover had slid down hanging at her hips, just to cover her butt.

"Are we a thing?" I started again. I looked at her, scrunching one of my eyes closed waiting for her reaction. I stopped stroking her back in anticipation.

"You are so cute, looking all nervous." Then she paused her hands playing with the ends of my hair that was splayed across my pillow. "Sure, I mean yea, we are."

At that, I wrapped my arms all the way round her body and pulled her close to me so she wasn't propping herself up anymore but just laying on me. I raised my legs too, wrapping them round her lower back and my heels touched her butt. I breathed her in through the corner of her neck and then pressed my lips there, feeling her pulse flutter beneath my mouth. I flicked my tongue out, wetting the side of her neck and then proceed to kiss up to her earlobe. Appreciating how nice and beautiful and soft she was. It was so intimate and so close and so, so perfect. I could feel Santana begin to giggle and she nuzzled impossibly further into me.

"I am so ready to pick up from where we left off last night but the thought of Quinn and Rachel somewhere in this house is weird-ing me out."

I sniggered, enjoying the hum of her voice against my neck.

"Well, we better get home then!"

She looked up at me and stared into my eyes, her face blank and she blinked twice.

"What?" I asked worried that she still hadn't said anything.

"You just said home, as in we both live in a house together and you called it home."

"Right, I mean your house is homely, which I like by the way, and I'm not asking to move in with you, it just came out and um we can have loud sex there without Quinn or Rachel, which is good."

_Crap!_ I thought. I am rambling and I think I'm worrying Santana.

"Thanks…I think I'm just going to take that all as a compliment." She smiled at me, reassuring me not to worry and that we can deal with the entire relationship stuff one step at a time.

I nodded and let out a relieved sigh. Santana leaned down again and caught my lips in hers, running her tongue against my bottom lip, almost as an innate response I opened my mouth. She traced the back of my teeth with her tongue; I could feel myself whimper as the kiss became more heated. She sucked my whole bottom lip in her mouth and hummed, sounding pleased with herself. She let my lip go while grazing her teeth along it. I failed to fight back a moan. She swallowed the sound into her mouth as she continued to explore my lips and tongue. I ran my hands down her back and squeezed her butt. She growled into the kiss. The sound making me shiver, tightening my legs around her back.

The sharp sound of her ringtone, cut through the moans and hisses, and Santana raised her head, blatant annoyance displayed on her face. I giggled at how obviously she was enjoying herself and nodded absentmindedly towards the mobile. Rolling her eyes, she untangled herself from me, toppled off the bed and picked up a random T-shirt from the floor, pulling it over her head. She answered the phone.

I lay there basking in the warm that was still lingering from Santana's body on the bed. She smelled amazing and right now the smell was everywhere. I looked up, pulled back into reality as I heard Santana's voice drop to a concerned whisper. I stopped everything else in my mind and focused on her, trying to sense if she was okay. Suddenly her voice rose and she burst out in Spanish. My eyes went wide I knew Santana only spoke Spanish in two situations; if she was angry or turned on and she didn't look turned on at all. I pushed myself up into a sitting position against the headboard. She noticed the movement and her eyes darted to mine, and then flicked away as quickly as they had come. Her bare feet padded on the cold wood floor as she turned her body and faced away from me. I flinched, was I not supposed to be listening? One of her hands was pressing the phone against her ear while the other wrapped around her body as if trying to hold herself together. I leaned to the edge of the bed feeling suddenly naked, and searched for a top, pulling one over my head.

"No…no, this can't be happening." Santana's voice croaked shakily. I felt a sudden rush of sadness as I saw her small body shake in the oversized T-shirt. What was wrong? What's going on? My mind was racing desperately, trying to figure out what to do.

I stood up and stayed still watching her from beside the bed, my arms twitching at my sides. I really wanted to hug Santana.

She put the phone down. She stood still, her face away from me.

"Are you okay?" I ask worriedly, stepping towards her. Turning around slowly, she looks up at me. Her eyes are glistening and there is a small crease in between her eyebrows, which seemed to be saying: "Why me?"

I take another step towards her and she flinches back. I stop; hurt at the way she reacted.

"My, m-my brother died."

I stand there, completely shocked, my jaw slack and I watch as one lone, perfectly poignant teardrop trickles down her cheek.

I knock myself out of my selfish stupor and rush forward grabbing her hands in mine and kneading her palms with my fingertips. At the touch, I watch as her forehead scrunches as if fighting with every feeling she has and then as if her body can't take it any longer, she crumples, her eyes squeezed shut and her arms begin to shake. I can hear the long, painful gasps between each sob as her body convulse under the force of her sadness.

I pull her into me and rub my hands up and down her back; over and over. Her body is shaking and her arms are limp beside her. There is a wet patch forming at the side of my neck on the t-shirt and it sticks to my shoulder. Santana is whimpering, trying to catch her breath. Her knees fall beneath her and I lower her down onto the floor and we sit there, me rocking her but saying nothing. She's holding fistfuls of the front of the t-shirt I'm wearing. Her knuckles are white.

_Santana pushes her key into the tall wooden door of their house. She liked having her own key to the house. It made her feel special, like she was an important part of the family, she felt adult. She pushed her backpack on her shoulder and twisted the key, which made a satisfying click. Happy with herself, Santana took the key, pushing the door open and stepped inside their house. _

"_Mamá?" Santana called out. She had brought home a video of her in the Cheerios performing their winning number; she really wanted to show her. _

"_In here cariño," Santana followed her mother's voice into the kitchen and stopped as she saw her gulping out of a big glass of red wine. Her eyes flicked to the bottle on the counter. It was half empty. Santana dropped her bag onto the floor and took a few steps towards her mother._

"_Are you alrite?"_

"_sí, sí...but I need to tell you something child."_

_Santana looked anxiously at her mother and sat down at the kitchen table opposite her. Her mother leaned her head back as if there was an irremovable weight on her shoulders. _

"_Your father, he, well he had a heart attack." _

_Santana stared at her mother as if it was a sick joke. She waited for her to laugh, to shake it off but her mother just stood there the wineglass shaking visibly in her hand. Santana trembled, it started at her toes as she fidgeted and ended at her face, her lip quivering and her eyebrows furrowing. _

"_He's dead?" Santana's voice cracked. _

"_No, no he's in hospital, critical condition, they said." _

_Little hiccup-y sobs rippled through Santana. Her mother stared taken back by her daughter's sudden emotion. She wanted to hug her but she didn't want to put her glass down. She frowned and walked over, rubbing her hand into Santana's shoulders and watched as her daughter cried. _

I sat on the floor Santana still between my legs. Her crying had worn her out and her exhausted body twitched in my arms. I watched her, as her eyes darted beneath her lids. I hoped that whatever she was dreaming about would just help her forget and be calm and go back to being happy just one last time, because in my heart I knew that when Santana woke up everything would change. I would have to watch her as she woke up realising once again what had happened, and I would feel physically sick as I see Santana the person I cared about go through so much pain, all over again.

I felt the need to protect her from her own feelings of loss. Her sadness almost mirrored onto me, it took all I had to be strong for her and not cry just at the sight of her sadness.

I glanced back down to her as she stirred. Oh no please no, just give her a few more moments of unawareness. I was begging to no one in particular. Her eye peeled open, numb and swollen looking from crying and she looked around her; at how we were sitting in the middle of the floor, her phone on the bed and the wet patch on my T-shirt.

I looked into her eyes and I saw her recall what had happened before she had fallen asleep. Her eyes were wide and she started to gasp, as if her throat was closing up. I squeezed my eyes shut at the sheer pain of not being able to make any of this go away. She was really coughing and panting now. I pulled her face with my palms towards mine and I just stared into her eyes, rubbing circular motions into her cheeks with my thumbs.

"Breath"

I repeated this over and over; I was genuinely worried she would stop. Her breath returned to small pants and the air hit my face.

"I can't, I don't know what to do Britt." Her voice was so faint and weak as if she didn't have the effort anymore.

"I don't think you're supposed to know."

She looked up at me her face blank and then looked at her hands, sweaty and twisting together in her lap.

"I feel sick, why is this happening?"

I didn't have an answer so I stayed silent figuring she didn't expect me to have one anyway. She shivered and I saw goose bumps jump up her arms and legs. I noticed that we were only wearing T-shirts and were sitting on a cold floor. I put my arms under her legs and neck and stood up, my legs trembling from sitting down too long. Her face remained emotionless as I carried her back into the bed. I pulled the cover over Santana hoping it would warm her up. She rolled up into a foetal position in the middle of the bed and shook. Every time I saw her cry a little bit inside me died, knowing there was nothing I could do.

"I haven't seen Quinn or Rachel this whole time" I say quietly, more to myself than Santana. But she replies:

"Don't find them, just for now can we please sleep because I know I will have to talk about it soon and Quinn will make me, and I can't just now" Santana said this with her eyes shut and her voice braking at intervals.

"What do you want me to do, can I do anything?" I blurt out desperately.

"Make me feel loved."

It was a whisper but I heard it. I darted round the bed and slid in, scooting up behind her and wrapping my legs around hers. I put my arms around her torso and pulled her back against my front, so as my lips were just by her ear. I began to sing:

_Settle down with me_

_Cover me up_

_Cuddle me in_

_Lie down with me_

_And hold me in your arms_

_And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck_

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet_

_And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love _

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

_Settle down with me_

_And I'll be your safety_

_You'll be my lady_

_I was made to keep your body warm_

_But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms_

_Oh no_

_My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed in my neck_

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet_

_And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love _

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

I felt her tears drop onto my hand and I kissed her temple again and again and until she had cried herself to sleep.

**Song: Kiss me by Ed Sheeran**

**Review and all that jazz**


	5. Chapter 5

**Someone asked does Brittany remember too, from the flash backs? I think both of them sort of know but its unconscious, like it hasn't clicked yet. **

**Oh and sorry for the long wait. You are all going to hate me…**

**Song: The Drugs Don't Work by The Verve**

Chapter 5:

I sat at the kitchen table and watched Santana. Quinn was talking but I had stopped listening. I always used to listen to people but since Santana, nothing else really seems as important. She was hunched over her cereal as if she was going to eat it, she just stared at it and I could tell that it was cold and soggy. I saw a tear plop into the milk and I clenched my fists together under the table, my fingers digging into the skin on my palms. I was trying to outweigh the pain of seeing her so lifeless, with my own physical pain.

I stopped abruptly, I didn't want to attention seek; I needed everyone's attention on Santana so she could feel better. So everyone could understand and find out what she needed so she could start being Santana again, my Santana.

I looked down at my hands, there were large deep nails marks crossing horizontally on my palm like a fresh scar. I saw my heart line and my life line. I had had my palms read once and I liked that every crease in my hands represented a part of my being, I didn't really understand it but it sounded nice, like there was a better meaning for everything.

The new line I had created cut across all the other lines, as if it was the most important, a new wrinkle, not something I was born with but something that's happened.

That will be my Santana line.

It cuts across my head line, because even though I feel better when I'm with her I can't really think straight. It cuts across my heart line because she is close to my heart and I like it most when I can feel her heart flutter next to mine. She crosses over my life line because knowing that her brother has died and that no one comes out of life alive I'm not sure that I can afford to lose her.

Quinn's voice pulls me back to the kitchen table.

"I know this is hard Santana and I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but how did it happen?"

I looked at Quinn, furious that she asked Santana to explain herself. Santana's not ready; look at her she can barely sit up right. But then I saw her eyes crinkle at the side in worry and her toes jump slightly in apprehension. I sighed, she cared too, and there was still so much I didn't know about Santana and her relationships. How long had she known Quinn? Had they always been close?

My hands twisted anxiously in my lap, selfishly hoping that Santana would give an answer for Quinn's sake.

"He er loved to drink," Santana was looking up now but at no one in particular, her eyes were glazed over as if trying to picture him alive. The room was quite, a pregnant silence bulging in the kitchen. I looked at her face and I was almost angry at her brother for being so stupid. Didn't he know how much he would be missed? How much pain he has caused? His death like a pebble in a pond, each ripple affecting someone.

"He was a cop and, well they're drinkers' cops." Pause. "I hated that job, like I hated the habits that came with it. I always told him, always"

Her voice cracked and her hands began to shake. Quinn rushed to her side and began rubbing her back up and down, whispering:

"I know, I'm sorry, I know"

She knew, _she_ knew_. _Santana and Quinn _must_ be close, a twinge of jealously shot through me as I watched the interaction. Maybe I'm in the way, I hardly know these people, and should I leave and let them deal with their personal troubles. How can I help?

"Brittany come with me for a moment" Rachel pulled me out of the chair and I stood fixed to the floor, my mind conflicting, should I stay or follow Rachel? She pulled me more firmly and I realized I didn't really have a choice.

I followed her and she led me into the living room and shut the door. A few bottles and crisps packets were left on the table. I wish I could rewind back just for Santana to feel good again.

"She needs you, you know."

I snapped my head up to Rachel my eyebrows raised waiting for an explanation.

"I watched you, you look tired and worried and I know your trying to be strong for her but you can't leave."

"But, what can I do I ca-"

"No, she likes you and you're here, you have to stay."

I needed this, I needed someone to tell me what to do, and I really had no idea. Nodding I followed Rachel back into the Kitchen. Santana still sat there, Quinn next to her rubbing up and down her back.

Quinn looked up and walked up to us, leaving Santana by the table.

"The funeral is next week"

Rachel nodded at that and I stood still. Was I supposed to go? Was I allowed? I felt a hand on my forearm and looked up Rachel nodded at me again.

"You should get dressed, but stay here as long as you want." Quinn told me and Santana quietly.

I approached Santana again and with a confidence I didn't think I had I fit my hand into hers. She didn't grip it or respond to it but her hands started to warm up in mine and that was something. Pulling her into me we stood up, she wavered slightly and I made sure she leaned into me. I wanted to shield her from the world; I knew I couldn't so this was the next best thing.

Santana had decided to shower I had nodded; hoping that the things she did, she needed and naively that it would make a difference.

I went into the room that we had slept in and stood there unsure of what to do. Rachel had told me I needed to be strong for Santana and that me caring, matters. I stood in the centre of the room facing the foot of the bed and took a deep breath, I thought of all my worries, all my little anxieties- about me and my plans and about Santana. I let out the heavy breath slowly through my mouth, trying to breathe all the worries away so as to focus solely on Santana.

My car is still broken.

I shook my head in annoyance. It seems as though my brain after blowing out all the anxiety is filled with irrelevant details. But then my mind began to whir, 'what ifs' swirling in my crown.

What if my car had never broken down and I had filled up the gas more frequently? Or if I had listened to my parent's advice and gone home a day later as the weather was slightly better to drive in. Or refused to stay with Santana and slept in my car, stopping me from caring, and wanting.

I remember her telling me she was going up to see her family. If I hadn't been there maybe she would have seen her brother one last time, or, or prevented him from drinking so much, or just…anything but this.

"No"

I startled myself from saying it out loud. I shook my head again. This is how it is and this where I am. I would never leave my parents a day later, because I can't stand feeling so cooped up for any longer than needed. There was no gas station for miles and I had no choice to run on nothing but empty. And the minute I saw Santana all I could do is care and want.

I sighed at my realization, collapsing on the bed. Giving myself a few moments of calm before Santana finished in the shower; a few last moments to prepare myself to be strong for her.

I heard a loud thud from the bathroom and my body snapped rigid. I was on my feet and at the bathroom door before I could think about it.

"Santana…" I called out. "Are you okay?"

My face was pressed to the closed door, trying to hear anything. At first there was nothing but then I strained my ear and heard the most painful, almost innate whimper as if it had come right from her bruised heart.

I tested the door handle and pushed the door open silently, not looking at her until the door was closed behind me and I was fully facing the bathtub.

Santana sat in the middle of the bath, the shower head whipping at her feet like a snake thrashing. She was sprayed with water and it flicked towards me, my hands beginning to dampen.

The water was cold.

She was bent over her legs, almost folded twice over. Her arms looped around her shins and her chin tucked between her knees. Her fingers were quivering at the cold and even her toes were curled into themselves as if each part of her body was experiencing loss. The silky black hair I was used to, stuck to Santana's back slightly frizzy from not being washed through thoroughly. Above all she was rocking, back and forth. Sunk in the middle of the deep tub and I had never seen someone look so hopeless.

Kneeling beside her, I picked up the shower head and reached over to the taps, turning down the cold and turning up the hot. I ran the stream of water over my fingers until I was sure the temperature was hot enough.

"Lean back."

She looked up at me, almost scared that if she let go of herself, she would fall to pieces.

"It's okay; you are going to be okay. Your strong, I know you are." I knew it wasn't perfect but it would have to do, for now.

She looked straight at me and I knew through that look she was giving me permission to tell her what to do.

Her body relaxed and unhooked itself. She lay down, her head at one end of the slanted tub and extended her legs to the other, she let out a shaky breath.

I aimed the shower head at her feet and let the hot spray of water warm her from ankles upwards. I aimed steadily up her thighs, over her stomach, across her wrists and along her arms; then finally on her heart.

Her muscles tensed and she let out a strangled sob. Right then and there I was so ready to jump in that bath and cover her body with my own, instead I reached into the water next to her hip and squeezed her hand tightly, and she gripped back. Her eye lids were closed and her face was wrinkled and hurt as new sobs racked through her body.

At last, I thought, she's letting go. And I watched in sad fascination as her body completely opened in that tub and her limbs shook. Even though the steady stream of water sprayed over her body I could still tell which drops were her tears and which were water.

_Quinn had been acting strangely all day, other than the obvious changes in her life: being chucked out of the Cheerios and being a pregnant teenager, she was still acting strange. Seeing her every day in her annoying outfits that seemed to get more and more mums-y over the progressing weeks just reminded Santana of how easily anyone's dreams could be crushed. This made her nervous; Santana knew how ambitious Quinn was and how she would only settle for the package deal of Prom queen, Head Cheerio and the 'best' man candy on her arm. Out of Quinn's failure, came Santana's rise but how long would that last Santana pondered. _

_Santana watched as Quinn knelt down to help pick up some puny kids' books that had been tossed on the floor. Even as a soon to be parent Quinn still had ulterior motives. This wasn't the bitchy, manipulative head Cheerio she was so used to. What was she up to? Earlier this morning Santana had watched as Quinn barked at some jock on the football team for pushing lady Hummel. Santana smirked at the irony as the last time lady lips had been shoved was probably due to Quinn anyway. _

"_Okay, please tell me you haven't become all nurturing because you have a bun in the oven and don't know the difference between a condom and a balloon!" _

_Quinn scowled at Santana and ignored her, passing the final books to the boy and opening her locker. Santana crossed her arms and glared at the kid and he scampered off clutching his books in fear. She loved the affect she had on people and the last thing she wanted was to turn out like Quinn: forgotten, lonely and pregnant. _

"_Just because I'm not in The Cheerios doesn't give you the right to piss me off, so back off Santana!"_

"_Whatever, like I care anyway. I'll just leave you to think over your complete lack of anything."_

_Santana turned on her heel and walked away hiding the scowl on her face as her pony tail swished. _

_She went through the rest of the day, Glee club, classes and a short session of yelling at the other girls in The Cheerios, which Santana always found satisfying. Towards the end of the day she picked up some of her books from her locker and walked down the quickly emptying corridors, ready to go home, another day over._

_Walking past the Glee club choir room she heard silent sobs and re-traced her steps, strangely curious. She pushed the door wider and in the corner, on one of the plastic chairs sat Quinn hunched over her slightly round belly, crying. _

_Santana stood, frozen and unsure what to do. She felt bad just watching the girl which she used to spend time with sitting alone. Then it hit her, she was exactly the same as Quinn: Alone. The only difference was that Quinn was forced to wear it like a label whereas Santana tucked it deep within her. _

_Santana dropped her bag at the door and walked towards Quinn nervously, their friendship had never been like this, all girly and feelings and caring about each other. It was more convenient in which they both balanced out each other's ambition and reputation. She sat beside Quinn and put her hand on her back and left it there feeling awkward and out of place._

"_You don't have to do anything, you can go."_

_Santana looked at her friend or the only girl she had ever been able to call her friend and realized what a bad 'friend' she had been. Never had either of them gone out of their way to help the other. So Santana sat, determined to be there for Quinn just this once, almost as reconciliation for all the times she had missed out. _

"_It's a joke to everyone, no one gets it. Everyone in this school is a moron."_

_Her voice was nasally from crying and Santana just watched her still unsure at what was wrong._

"_M-my baby, I can't keep it and I can feel it, feel it kicking and I can't be there for it, I'm not good enough." _

_Quinn just cried more and more like the flood gates had been opened and Santana just stared dumbfounded at the surreal situation she was in and briefly tried to think of a getaway plan, and then cringed in embarrassment. _

_Santana felt helpless and useless, and again just continued to awkwardly pat Quinn on the back hoping that her hand was making some impact and comfort. _

"_You know things are bigger than just this school and your reputation. It will all change when we leave."_

_Santana tried to ignore it but that statement was truly daunting and reverberated through her. She would be nothing without her reputation; a forgotten memory in the school trophy cabinet. _

_Who was she?_

…

Over the past week building up to the funeral Santana has been distant and I know that it was expected but it still bothered me. I tried my best to comfort her or bring things to her that would lighten her mood. I know I was being selfish. She wasn't going to forget or feel better after a week. I guess I was just hoping.

I postponed going home after Rachel had declared that there was no chance I was 'abandoning' Santana after all she had been through. I didn't want to go home anyway. Everything was here and nothing was at home. Was it home if nothing I needed was there?

I had talked to Mike and he had invited me to dance with him at his studio. It was nice being able to be on my own for a while and do something for myself. Dance always had that effect on me. Empowering and calming at the same time. After a few sessions he suggested I teach an early morning class, while I am still unsure of Santana and me.

It was only a small group at first, getting their exercise fill before work, but then the class began to grow and by Thursday it was full and I had to start shutting the doors at a set time so as the studio wouldn't get too crowded. It was nice knowing I was being helpful to people, because when I returned home to Santana I felt helpless.

When I got back she would either be in the garage with the door closed except a single lamp on or in her study. I knew when she was in there because I could see the line of light between the door and carpet.

At the beginning of the week I had knocked on the door and asked if she needed anything. I would come in and ask her if she wanted supper or lunch. Whenever I came in she declined and I could see here getting more and more agitated with my interruptions. I felt as though I was failing her, like she needed more from me but I just didn't know what it was. By Wednesday I gave up asking her if she wanted supper, I would sit in the kitchen with one bowl of food in front of me and wait, just hoping she might come and join me. She didn't. So I ate silently and alone, leaving the leftovers out hoping that she would eat them. Mostly, in the morning the food was untouched.

At the beginning of the week I didn't know where I should sleep, I thought maybe Santana would want me to comfort her so I would lie in the main bed and hope that she would lie down with me and let me cuddle with her. I would lie there for hours until I saw her study light flick off down the hall and I would turn around and pretend to be asleep. I could feel the bed dip but I only felt the cool sheets against my skin as if I was in the bed alone. She would turn away from me and lie still. It would take me hours to get to sleep and when I did, I often would wake up to her crying beside me.

One night I lay there waiting for her to come to bed like a sad routine but she never came. The next morning I woke up and she still wasn't beside me. I panicked flapping about in the sheets. Worst case scenarios flashed through my mind as I rushed into her study.

Empty.

I ran into the bathroom.

Empty.

I finally checked the living room.

She was lying on the couch her face squished into a cushion and a blanket wrapped around her. I could see her socks on her feet poking out the end and over one armrest.

I walked back into the bedroom feeling relief. But then a sudden wave washed over me. Rejection. I sat at the end of the bed and burst into tears. She would rather sleep alone and cold on the un-comfy couch than sleep beside me. She didn't even touch me when she did. I held my head in my hands and let the salty tears trickle down my fingers and leave a wet patch in my shorts where my elbows met my thighs. Silent desperate gasps flooded into my lungs and a quickly tried to calm myself. I didn't want Santana finding me, which would be weak and selfish.

What am I doing wrong?

Today is just the same, I woke up to an empty space beside me. And I shuddered in a long breath trying to calm my threatening tears. There she was, as usual on the couch and I watched her as I ate my breakfast. She looked calm except for one small line between her eyebrows. A tiny crease that showed her emotion seeping into her sleep; she looked so vulnerable. I know the minute she woke up she would be act hard and nonchalant and it made me feel as if I was suffocating.

I wrote her a note:

"I'm at dance, be back soon. Please eat something."

I put it on the mini table next to the armrest, and hoped she would see it.

I arrived at the studio and there were a few people waiting for the class to begin, I opened the door with the spare key Mike had lent me and walked into the corner plugging in my IPod into the dock and setting my duffel bag down beside the speakers. People started to fill the room. I flicked through the songs trying to pick something upbeat to warm everyone up.

I started to twist, twirl and stretch to the music. Everyone gathered behind me shaking their limbs in preparation. I wanted to be set free to get away for just an hour but all I could think of was Santana's face so blank and alone lying on the couch. I shook my head focusing on the people in the class, I couldn't get distracted. I ran through the routine, helping people here and there and encouraging others with the steps. I let the music run through enjoying it in its full and performing the whole routine with the group.

The track changed and I was on the other side of the room helping someone else. I froze.

_All this talk of getting old_

_It's getting me down my love_

_Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown_

_This time I'm coming down_

_/_

_And I hope your thinking of me_

_As you lay down on your side_

_Now the drugs don't work_

_They just make you worse_

_But I know I'll see your face again_

My whole body trembled and I was stuck as all the people in my class stared at me, a mixture of worry and annoyance flickering across their faces. I need to turn it off, now. All I could see was Santana over and over again.

_But I know I'm on a losing streak_

_As I pass down by your street_

_And if you wanna show_

_Then just let me know_

_And I'll sing in your ear again_

_/_

_Cos baby oooh la la la la la la_

_If heaven calls I'm coming too_

_Just like you said _

_Ooh la la la la la la _

_You leave my life I'm better off dead_

With that a tear fell down my cheek and I let out a whimper. I tried to muffle it but the people closest to me must have heard. I rubbed my cheeks with my hands trying to squish the tears back into my face.

I rushed over to the IPod and changed the track back to the previous song. A few people looked strangely at me as I stood in the corner shaking in shock and sudden realization that I really couldn't lose Santana. They must think I'm crazy.

The class began to end and people left. I took in a few gasping breaths calming my lungs and twitching limbs.

"You look terrible."

I snapped my head to last person in the room. I looked at the guy; he was medium height and had a muscly build and blond hair that looked soft to touch. He smiled gently at me. His mouth was huge.

"I've come to every single one of your classes, and you keep getting increasingly more upset as the lessons go on."

His voice was gentle and he stepped closer to me, I kept my eyes fixed to his in the mirror as he came up behind me.

"Is it a guy who's upsetting you?"

I blinked surprised by the question, if only he knew.

"Something like that," I whispered.

I felt totally numb it was as if the dance class had been the last punch and I couldn't function any longer. I couldn't last any longer.

"He doesn't deserve you then."

He put his hands on my waist; they were heavy and too big. I wanted to shake them off but didn't have the heart or willpower.

"It's not he-their fault." I stammered. His thumbs were circling my hip bones. I would have found it relaxing, if it was Santana, but it just reminded me that this shouldn't be happening. I needed to get back to her, I needed to get away.

"You should be respected and he should never be the cause of your sadness."

He was rubbing his hands up and down my sides. I felt sick. No this is wrong, where's Santana? My mind frantically whirred into gear. I tried to wriggle out of his grip but he tightened his thumbs slightly.

"I-I'm sorry but the class has ended." I hoped my voice would be a little more firm but it came out as another lost whisper. He looked up at me as if he was surprised I had rejected him.

"Whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you."

He stepped back removing his hands from me and I let out a relived gasp. He picked up his bag and left. I turned around and leaned against the mirror sliding down until I hit the wooden floor. I brought my knees up to my chin and wheezed, as I rocked back and forth.

"You're right she doesn't deserve me," I whispered through my sobs.

**Tell me your thoughts.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the reviews they made me smile; again sorry for the wait, having a bit of a block these days.**

**Song: Mad World by Gary Jules**

Chapter 6: (Santana's POV)

Shit.

That's how I have been the past week to everyone but especially, to Brittany. Time has been like wading through soup but a spicy soup that makes you want to punch everything.

I would watch Brittany try so hard for me, she is so strong for me but all I do is make her hurt and push her away. I'm actually surprised she's still here. Every day she would knock on the study door and ask if I was hungry or needed anything and every time I declined. The more times she asked me, the more agitated I would get like another side of me was flickering through the cracks, raising its ugly head. I would snap at her and ignore her. I wasn't myself but I couldn't stop this 'other' me. This person inside me growing and ripping through my unconscious mind and manipulating my actions. I was scared and felt like a stupid little girl.

So actually no, I have been totally_ fucking_ shit.

Sure I'm sad about my brother, but really I am just so fucking angry.

My childhood consisted of me watching as my brother, Rodrigo (Ironically meaning 'famous power') traipse about accomplishing all his goals. He was basically the golden balls of the family. However even though he was more important to my parents, he was always my brother and I always loved him. I still do love him just because he's gone doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

I remember once when we had finished supper. We always used to carry our plates to the sink to be cleaned. Rod (he used to be really embarrassed at school because his name was 'so' Spanish and he used to get teased so he shortened it) would stand at the sink and wash them and I would pass the plates to him. I couldn't really reach the sink yet. I was walking back from the table to the sink and I had dropped a plate and it cracked in half, some of the red sauce splattered on the kitchen floor. I remember feeling bad about it and looking at my mum. She started shouting at me, at how nothing is free in this life and how dropping plates and being clumsy wasn't helping. And that "your brother" never drops plates because he is careful. She then said I needed to grow up and stop being such a stupid little girl.

I thought that was the last time I would ever let myself feel so small but being horrible to Brittany made me feel even more stupid and disgusted.

I remember Rod had put his hand on my shoulder as she shouted as if to let me know that it was going to be okay and that mum had just had a bad week. He always used to do that: silently stick up for me. When things weren't going to well I would always feel his hand resting on my shoulder as a reminder that he was there and that he would protect me. We weren't 'brother and sister' close but we sort of worked together, getting along quietly trying not to bother each other too much. We never had conversations about feelings, except for one.

It was a long time ago and I guess I really needed it when I look back. I was a messed up teenager, no not 'messed up' just confused. If I could some up my adolescence denial springs to mind.

When you're young, I mean really young, toddler age, everyday there are new experiences and adventures to have. You go towards everything instead of taking a step back. When I watch toddlers now, I can see it, there's a twinkle in their eyes. No shame, no guilt, no worry or past memories shrouding their thoughts. They just 'are'.

I used to think I would do anything to go back to that, just for a day.

As I grew up it all changed and like every teenager I stopped and thought, "What is all this? Why am I here?" and, "Is this all necessary, do I really have to do this?"

Growing up really freaked me out and that was an understatement. I didn't want to have to think about what all my actions meant; I just wanted to 'be'. But I started to notice it, how people changed. The boys didn't hang out with girls anymore. They went off and played football, and climbed trees together and talked about girls. The girls 'thought' boys were gross and I knew that was a lie. They started to wear proper dresses and nail polish. Everyone's bodies were changing too the boys got bigger; they weren't really boys anymore I guess. They had wide shoulders and bumped into me in the corridor, and the smell. Girls stretched out, their hips curved and we got boobs. It was like we had turned into animals, it was crazy. And this was only the last years of junior school.

I had been a late bloomer in junior school and I had watched as Jessica Tate, the girl who had started off early, walk down the corridors as if she was in slow motion, whipping her hair about and wearing tight tops to accentuate her chest. I would look back down at myself: I wasn't that tall, my hair was scruffy and in a ponytail and I was wearing overalls with boots on. Then I looked back at the way everyone acted around her, how the boys _and _girls stared. How all the boys would do as she asked and carry her books and all the girls had wanted to be her. I wanted to be her.

That summer my body kicked into gear, my legs grew longer, my hips curved and my chest grew. Everything ached but I didn't care as long as I could get everyone to appreciate me like Jessica. I wore bras to push my boobs up and every time someone glanced at my chest it made my insides smile. People were noticing and it felt good.

High school was different guys whistled at me in the corridors and girls looked at me enviously. My dream of being like Jessica accomplished and I pushed myself even further. I joined the Cheerios despite the fact that the Coach was evil, in the end she rubbed off on me anyway. I had to make sure everyone liked me.

I heard rumours about me. About the way I dressed and sort out attention. I realized I can't get everyone to like me. I can't be appreciated by everyone but I can be feared. So I did just that, I worked myself to the top. That's where I met Quinn. I liked her immediately but I couldn't let her know that, so I was horrible to her. There was only one head Cheerio and it had to be me.

Over the years Quinn crumpled she got pregnant by the biggest idiot in McKinley High to date and she drowned like the rest of the unpopular uninteresting student body. I remember finding her crying and upset, I was a shit friend. How was I supposed to comfort someone else when I didn't even know about myself? I was only doing things to get a reaction and if I liked the reaction I carried on. Is that even a way to live?

It had gotten so extreme, my need to be known and popular, 'respected' and I thought my body was the only ticket to fame, to winning? I started to get desperate as other girls were catching up with me, the Cheerio's became cockier and a stupid amount of the man 'candy' was joining Glee. A club about opening yourself up to joy, or to everyone else: social suicide and a slushie facial. I had summer surgery, trying desperately to make my chest noticeable so I could get that inside smile once again, as people glanced. I try so hard not to regret it, that happened and I try to get over it; a silly teenage mistake. It caused me to fight with Quinn and the whole school knew, I suppose it was better that way, that's what I wanted: people to notice me.

I started realising that it didn't make much difference whether I was popular or not because in the end I was going to leave and be nothing.

After that I stopped being so blunt, so mean. I started to realise that doing those things didn't make me feel good anymore anyway. I hung out with Quinn more, we were really close. I liked helping her it made me feel better like I was undoing all the crap things I had ever done. I used to think, "I'm helping out a pregnant teenager, I must be doing good!" and it felt good.

She had her baby. I had never seen someone so distraught over a child being born in my life. That freaked me out a bit; that the world wasn't just us two teenage girls messing about. It was thoughts and feelings and actions.

She rung me one night, a few months after the birth of Beth her daughter (she had been given up for adoption) Quinn was in tears and I could hear her snorting and gasping down the phone. I remember going over to her house and knocking on the door. She had answered and we had sat in her room, a picture of Beth was framed on her bedside table. The baby looked more like a squidgy pink mouse with closed slits for eyes. I didn't really understand why she loved it so much. I kept handing her tissues and rubbing her back trying to sooth her into some sort of 'sane' state. She kept mumbling, "My baby," and "My sweetheart." I have to admit even my heartless teenage self, felt pained to hear her whimper that.

We lay down on her bed and I hugged her telling her it was going to be alright and she had made the right choice.

Over and over again.

To be honest if she was this sad I was questioning if she _had _made the right choice. Again the teenage me wasn't good with sympathy.

Then, she leaned over and kissed me.

The world stopped in that moment. I lay there rigid as Quinn my _friend_, Quinn fucking Fabray began to kiss me. I remember feeling the tears on her cheeks rub into mine, wetting my face. At first I was too shocked to kiss back, I was frozen my mouth slightly open with Quinn's lips on mine. She had pressed her whole body into me, putting more pressure onto my mouth and had grabbed my sides. I didn't think she cared if I was kissing her back or not it was like she was searching for something. I did anyway.

I had kissed boys before and other stuff, it was never very good with boys. I mean sure Puck could kiss but boys just got sloppy the closer you got to doing 'it'. I mean at the time Quinn wasn't exactly being a top class kisser she was upset and kissing me feverishly and her hands were grabbing me everywhere. But it was almost like she had sparked a match deep within me and the more I kissed her back the more the match crackled and caught. A fire was slowly building inside me.

The fact that when I would run my hands up her back I wouldn't feel muscle and wide shoulders but an arched back and curved hips, that I could run my hands through her hair and it was soft and tickled my fingers and that neither of us outweighed the other. All of these experiences made my insides twinge.

That night, as I kissed my lonely lost best friend I knew, I liked girls.

I mean it explained so much as I mulled over this new revelation all up until now I had been desperately trying to find out whom the fuck I was. That night helped push me in the right direction. Of course nothing is that easy I couldn't be that new girl who just liked girls. I knew what it meant and how if I said it out loud, things were going to change. From past experience I knew that change didn't really work out for me that well. So it was just another secret that I added to the pile overflowing inside me.

Quinn never said if that moment had been the turning point for her or if she had always known but after that night things changed between us. I didn't know where to stand and how to act around her, I don't think she knew either. It got tenser and weirder until one night she kissed me again. And from there we sort of ended up together.

I had liked being with Quinn, I felt safe and I think she did too. We didn't need to go through the whole building-up-trust-getting-to-know-each-other stage because we already knew all that and that's why I suppose we just sort of clicked. I guess I loved her a bit, I think, in a quite sort of way. We grew together learning about each other.

She used to tell me: "I don't think I'm gay I just like you, I like guys otherwise." And I would wonder what she meant. What was she trying to tell me? Was I supposed to be flattered by that? It made me feel as if I was bungee jumping without a rope. There was nothing to hold on to. I didn't know what was at the bottom that I was so afraid of either.

I started to ask myself the same question. I mean what was I supposed to call myself? I had this relationship which I liked, I think. Was I a lesbian? I looked at other women and then I would look at men and try and compare the thought I had on them. I had been with guys before. I would see a tall blond woman walking down the other side of the street, her hair in a ponytail and in workout gear. I would watch her, the way her muscles flexed in her leg and how she would swing her arms carelessly but make it look so graceful.

"Yea," I thought, "I'm gay."

That's what I was and what I am and I wanted to be it, open and without a worry. I told Quinn first and the look of utter fear and lack of control on her face was priceless, in retrospect. She then told me that she didn't think she could deal with this right now and left quite abruptly, to go to 'university' I was told but really I knew she was just running away from herself.

The thought of telling my parents was sickening, but I knew it was one of the biggest things I was scared of which meant I _had _to. I stood in front of the mirror in my crappy little apartment saying the words over and over in my head. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay.

I needed to do this right. I needed to make sure that my part: me telling them was right, correct. No initial fault on my part.

I set the date, by calling them up and telling them I would visit. I tricked myself into doing it by saying I had something to tell them over the phone. So they would ask me and I would _have _to talk about it. Confess.

They said that was ok and that I should come round slightly earlier as Rodrigo would be there too. I didn't know how I felt about that. Would the night consist of proudly congratulating my brother on being anyone but me and then disowning me after desert? Would he be my buffer and shield from the onslaught of questions and blame? Buried deep within me I hoped that everything would be okay and that they would understand. I pushed that further away; I couldn't let myself get disappointed. I couldn't cry.

We sat and ate and I could feel it bursting out of me. I had to say it before my mind flipped back on itself. I remember my stomach twisting and gurgling and my cheeks flushed slightly.

The cutlery clinked on the plates and the conversation had died down, everyone had busied themselves with eating. The chewing and swallowing filled the room, deafening to my ears.

I placed my knife and fork down and took a deep breath.

"I have something to tell you" I had aimed my words towards my parents.

They glanced up briefly from their food each smiling faintly and then carried on eating.

"I-I" I was stuttering this was not good. I couldn't act like I was unsure or nervous.

"I'm…er…I'm gay."

A piece of lamb was pierced on the tip of my Madres fork. It hovered outside her mouth, her lips parted, frozen; my Padre Stared at me from under his eyebrows, one hand resting on the white table cloth and the other around his tumbler of whisky. It was like a moment in a film where everything had been frozen. The only thing I saw move was my brother's hand, wrap around mine under the table.

As if the movement popped a balloon my mother stood up and the chair scratched behind her.

"Are you punishing me?" she spat. I figured she would make this about her. I still flinched.

"I, it's not your fault." I was stuttering again. My father stood up and put his hand on my mother's shoulder. I wasn't sure if he was trying to calm her down or show that he agreed with her. I looked up at both my parents.

"Please, I-I'm sorry."

"Please leave, I think it would be easier," My father instructed in a firm quite voice. I stood up, my hands shaking and I could feel my forehead crease. I cannot cry. Stop, stop. Too much was going on. I walked down the hallway towards the front door; my legs stopped functioning properly on the way. Tripping over some shoes like some fucking wounded hopeful puppy. I was so pathetic. I picked up my coat and shut the front door behind me, stumbling down the front garden path. Why won't my legs work I remembering thinking.

"Wait!"

I turned around; Rod was running down the path. I forgot he was there. He didn't say anything all through that. He stopped in front of me taking deep breaths.

"I just thought you should know, that…it's okay and I like, I don't care who you like, and yea."

"And you couldn't say that inside huh, all you could do is sit and hold my hand. Why! Why do you always do that? Just stick up for me. Just be fucking be brave for me, for once!"

I realised I was shouting when a light next door flicked on and a curtain twitched. I was so glad I had moved out of this fucking neighbourhood. I had cocked my head to the side, waiting for an answer. I felt something drip on my collarbone and not until then had I realised I was crying.

"I was waiting, waiting for you to stick up for yourself."

I looked at him; I couldn't decide whether I was angry or grateful. He squeezed both my hands in his own and gave me a sad smile. He then turned around and returned to the house.

That was the best advice I ever received from my brother. It was also one of the last times I saw him in person.

I'm standing here in black, Brittany on my right and Quinn on my left. The coffin in the grave is also black and but shiny. I can almost make my face out in the polished paint. My parents are opposite me across the grave, their eyes stony, my mother is staring at the coffin and I can see her jaw tense and twitch. My father is pinching his eyes with his left hands and I can hear him crying quietly. I reach to my right and link my pinkie with Brittany's. I can see her smiling faintly at me from the corner of my eyes but I don't look directly at her but carry on looking at my reflection in the coffin.

I bend down and pick up a handful of dirt and squeeze it in my palm, I'm trying to warm it up. Even though he's dead I want the earth around him to be warm. I squeeze it even harder in my hand, it starts to hurt so I raise my hand above the coffin and let the gravel and dirt fall, it scatters on the coffin and I shake my hand above it finally, as if I am flicking off crumbs. I hear a small _Pat _and I look down onto the coffin. There is a small dark drop near the middle. I look around its not raining and we're not near any trees. Glancing back at my hand, there is a small stone in the top of my palm and there is blood thickening around it. The drop on my brother's coffin was my blood.

Music starts to play; I don't know where it's coming from, a CD player or IPod somewhere. I guess it's to fill in the silence or to drown out the sobs. Rod wasn't one for crying. I still feel one final tear falling down my cheek. Brittany's pinkie clenches around mine, she must have seen the tear. I use my free hand to wipe it away with my fingers but she stops me, her hand above my arm.

"It's okay, you don't have to."

Her voice is barely a whisper and her eyes are intense and red. I dip my head towards the ground and sigh, squeezing her pinkie back.

_All around me are familiar faces_

_Worn out places, worn out faces_

_Bright and early for their daily races_

_Going nowhere, going nowhere_

_Their tears are filling up their glasses_

_No expression, no expression_

_Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow_

_No tomorrow, no tomorrow._

A few people furthest away from the coffin started to wander back through the graveyard towards the church and car park.

_And I find it kinda funny_

_I find it kinda sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying_

_Are the best I've ever had_

_I find it hard to tell you_

_I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles_

_It's a very, very mad world mad world._

Quinn squeezed my shoulder and nodded faintly towards the slowly dissipating crowd, signalling that she would wait in the car park with Rachel. I raised my eye brows in acknowledgment.

_Children waiting for the day they feel good_

_Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday_

_And I feel the way that every child should_

_Sit and listen, sit and listen_

_Went to school and I was very nervous_

_No one knew me, no one knew me_

_Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson_

_Look right through me, look right through me._

It was just my parent's and close family left opposite me now, and I watched as my mother still didn't cry but stared at the fresh grave; the mound in the earth, as if challenging him to wake up again.

_And I find it kinda funny_

_I find it kinda sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying_

_Are the best I've ever had_

_I find it hard to tell you_

_I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles_

_It's a very, very mad world ... mad world_

_Enlarging your world_

_Mad world._

I let go of Brittany's pinkie and grabbed her whole hand instead and hung on tightly. This time I looked at her. She looked gorgeous all in black. She was wearing red lipstick and her eyelashes seemed to go on forever, swooping every time she blinked. I needed to apologise to her.

I turned around and walked away from the rest of them, the rest of the shit. I left with the one thing I really cared about: Brittany.

"Wait! Santana…"

I turned; my uncle was brisk walking behind us trying to catch up, his shirt jacket flapping every time he took a step.

He stood before me, silent for a minute as he caught his breath. I could see my mother looking at me from over his shoulder.

"Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. I am."

"Our loss Joseph ours," he looked embarrassed at that, as if I had attacked him. I just raised my eye brows as if to ask him why he called me.

"Your brother, he left things to you. Rod had specific instructions."

"What? Are you sure?" I was surprised. I suppose I never really thought about my brother dying.

"Well you see I think he was always rooting for you and he jumped your parents and he didn't have kids or a partner, so well he has basically left everything he has to you."

My eyes were wide at that. To me, _me, _why would he? Not a friend or a charity but to me?

"Why? Do you know why?"

"He told me that you would know what to do with it all," Joseph answered.

"All? Is it a lot?" I was worried I didn't want to take everything I mean, I didn't deserve it.

"All being his house in Cleveland, his car, his belongings, a holiday house and $500,000."

I gasped that was a lot of money and two properties. I couldn't take that. I glanced right and saw Brittany's raised eyebrows in surprise.

"I can't take that, I can't accept that!"

"Er, well you kind of don't have a choice. He was adamant in his Will that his things would go to you and only you unless…well you know. I expect this is all a lot to hear right now but I thought you should know. Also his savings are in a separate account and I have mailed you the details but we will need to have a proper sit down to discuss the business-ey stuff. I will leave you now though."

With that he smiled and then looked embarrassed again as if he thought it was disrespectful to smile at a funeral. I turned away and rolled my eyes.

_Brittany had finished her dance class and was walking out into the street, it wasn't helping that the temperature was hot as well, she began to sweat again. She didn't mind too much though as she was still in her dance clothes, they were sweaty anyway. She walked down the street watching the people pass her, every one minding their own business. She swung her arms trying to catch a breeze to cool down. She sensed someone looking at her and glanced across the street. A woman was walking in the opposite direction she was medium height but looked slightly shrunken, her hands were deep in her pockets and she was frowning and blinking rapidly. Brittany glanced at her eyes briefly before carrying on walking down the pavement; Brittany didn't want her to think she was staring. _

_She looked familiar actually if Brittany thought about it, like she had seen her somewhere before or dreamt about her. Strange that she could remember her face but not know where from or why. Actually she was quite startlingly beautiful. She had looked timid though just then, lonely almost or lost. Imaging what she looked like confident made Brittany smile. _

We arrived home and I looked at our hands still clasped together and travelled up Brittany's arm to her face, her eyes were waiting for me. I gasped in a breath and began to cry. It bubbled out of me and I mentally kicking myself. I shouldn't be crying anymore I should be apologising. Brittany rushed towards me and I held my hand out to stop her. She flinched and looked hurt.

"No wait" gasp "just I need to apologise," I wiped the back of my hand across my face and let my breathing even out.

"I have been horrible to you all week, I'm…I'm embarrassed at the way I have been behaving. Never have I felt so disgusted with myself and I don't have some stupid excuse. All I can say is I am so sorry and I will never shut you out again."

Her brow furrowed and she let out a slow happy sigh. Then wrapped her arms around my head and pulled my so very close. She smelt amazing and it made me realise how much I had missed by not appreciating her all week. I breathed in the smell of her hair and run my hands up the sides of her body re-acquainting myself with every part of her.

"It's not your fault" she whispered into my ear.

"Well, yea it kinda is!" I replied I was not letting her take the blame for my behaviour. I heard her pause against my ear and take a breath.

"Yea it was you really…" I could feel her smile against the side of my face. I gave an internal sigh that she had forgiven me for being an utter prat all week.

"Well someone's changed their tune!" I replied in mock horror. I could hear here giggling and smiled I had missed her laugh.

"Well I thought honesty is the best policy and all that."

"I'm rolling my eyes right now."

"Oh I bet you are!"

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	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all the follows and reviews I really appreciate it. It's nice to know people actually read this stuff. Things are going to start picking up now. Also I am going on holiday for two weeks so there will be a little wait but hopefully it will be worth it. Also there isn't a specific song played but listen to: Bad girls by M.I.A for the car ride.**

Chapter 7: Brittany's POV

Something was wrapped around me. I wiggled trying to find more space for my body; I moved my head to the side and felt something warm press against my nose. I breathed in and almost immediately recognised Santana.

"You're prodding me" she murmured sleepily, I hummed in reply. Opening one eye and wiggling closer to her. She wrapped her arms tighter around me as I pressed into her.

"What time is it?" I was too distracted to answer as she had begun to kiss across my hairline. Her lips brushed across my forehead and her thumb stroked over my ribs.

"Brittany!"

"Right. Time. Sorry it's er ten" I looked up at her from under her chin and smiled. She gave a satisfied huff and untangled herself from my legs. Tripping out of bed I tilted my head to the side and watched as she toppled all over the place butt naked.

"What _are_ you doing? And why did you get out of bed?" I couldn't stop sniggering because she kept falling over clothes on the floor and was still naked. She turned around, crossed her arms and cocked her hip.

"Firstly this is not funny" Santana raised her eyebrows as if she was asking whether I was going to challenge her.

"Secondly, stay in bed because I have a surprise for you; seeing as I can't find anything to wear I'm going naked."

"Outside?"

"Do be serious" Santana retorted sarcastically followed by a wink. I snorted in reply and fell back onto the mess of sheets on the bed.

It had been three weeks since the funeral and things had slowly gotten better, by the second week Santana stopped going into her study and explained to me that she found it easier now that she had closure. She let me in more and told me stories about her brother and how he was a part of her life.

I heard Santana bustling about in the kitchen, abruptly followed by a large crash and a charming:

"Fuck my mother!"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes stay in bed!"

I lay back down curious and excited in anticipation to whatever Santana was preparing. She called from the kitchen telling me to sit up and close my eyes. I did as she told and scooted up in the bed and rested my back against the head board. Then I shut my eyes tightly together. I loved surprises.

"Oh you're loving this, I can tell, you have a huge smile on your face"

"Just show me the surprise already, the suspense is _killing_ me!"

I felt her sit on the end of my thighs and then she placed something in my lap, I couldn't tell what it was but I felt something pressing to both sides of my thighs.

"Open your eyes, beautiful."

I cracked one open and smiled shyly at her term of endearment. I looked down at my lap there was a small tray-table-thing across my legs. In the middle was a plate with a blueberry muffin and strawberries, next to it was a small mug with a single red Rose. There was a white envelope resting against the cup with the words "_Happy birthday" _scrawled across the front.

"Oh my god it's my birthday!"

"Yea I am legit surprised you forgot, considering you remember your cat's birthday." I stared at the tray and looked back up at Santana.

"Stop grinning at me like that"

"Like what?" I replied, still grinning I might add.

"I dunno like…I'm really special or something"

"You _are_ really special, and don't get ahead of yourself!" I started laughing _and_ grinning which just ended up as snorting. She rolled her eyes and nudged her head towards the envelope. I picked it up gingerly, running my finger under the sticky seal. I looked inside trying to get a sneak peak of my own present which seems a bit pointless. It looked like pieces of paper. I pulled out what felt like tickets. I inspected the contents of the envelope and gasped.

It was two plane tickets to Puerto Rico.

"What! Holy fucking hell!" Santana laughed, her head tipping back as she clapped her hands together, she looked satisfied.

"I like it when you curse, you should more often…"

"Yea…I will leave that to you." I retorted too flabbergasted to think of a better comeback. I couldn't believe she would spend that much money on me,_ me._

"I can't believe you bought me a holiday with you this is amazing Santana thank you so much."

I lifted the table between us off my lap and placed it on the bed beside me. I then lunged forward, pulling her into my lap. I began kissing up her neck and I could hear her giggle. I smiled into the kiss hearing her laugh and carried on all the way to her lips. I paused hovering above her bottom lip and looked into her eyes.

"Thank you Santana."

Before she could reply I kissed her full on the mouth taking her bottom lip between mine. She smiled and I sucked down harder making sure she didn't break the kiss. My hands on her waist tightened and I brought her closer and she moved around me linking her ankles together around my back. I broke the kiss suddenly.

"Why Puerto Rico?"

"Oh well you know my brother left me his holiday house? Well I thought we could just go stay there and it happened to be in Puerto Rico, which is actually where a lot of my family live but we are going to avoid any awkward family meetings." Santana said this while running her hands up and down my bare arms which were still firmly on her waist.

"Are you going to be okay, you know going to his house and everything?"

"I don't know, I mean I've never been to any of his houses so I don't know what to expect really."

I nodded to that but I really didn't know what to say I just didn't want her to shut me out again. I wanted her to enjoy this holiday too.

"This is going to be really fun!"

Her eyes crinkled happily and she pulled me closer kissing me again.

"oh-" kiss "Where you okay in the kitchen" kiss "you-" kiss "smuhhrashed something?" Santana kept muffling my words but since I was basically speaking into her mouth I think she got the gist.

"Oh yea that's why the Rose is in a mug and not a vase, I broke the vase."

"You're cute" I replied

"Ew gross take it back!"

"Why? You are cute _and_ the best"

"Cute things e.g. kittens and babies are not sexy and beasts in bed. That is just gross."

I burst out laughing.

"You _are_ ridiculous sometimes. Well then you are the first person to manage cute and sexy, perfectly and no you don't look like a baby"

She looked so sweet smiling shyly at me and blushing slightly. I brushed her hair out of her eyes and lifted her chin up. She scrunched her nose and made a goofy face. I rolled my eyes and pecked her nose and lips.

I thanked the flight attendant and grappled my hand in the air behind me searching for Santana's. I felt her fingers wrap around mine and pulled her closer to me wanting us both to experience Puerto Rico together.

We stepped off the plane and the heat hit me immediately, I physically took a step back and Santana laughed squeezing my hand. She walked in front of me and pulled my forward while I tried to capture all the colours and smells attacking my senses. The heat was unreal at first I thought it was the radiating heat from the plane's engine but as we checked out and left the airport I realised it was the heat of the country.

There was a young man waiting for us with "Lopez/Peirce" scribbled onto a piece of lined paper.

"My names on it as well" I stated surprised and pleased.

"Of course, this is _your_ holiday too" Santana replied brushing her fingertips up and down my wrist affectionately. I sighed happily, this was all perfect.

"You're perfect" I whispered, I hoped she had heard.

She paused before getting in the car her hand still in mine and looked at me.

"You're kinda perfect too" she whispered back.

We sat hand in hand at the back of the taxi, I sat looking outside the right window at the lush greenery and blue skies passing by. The car took us on big roads from the airport and the roads got smaller and more winding the further we travelled. I caught glimpses of blue sea disappearing into blue skies. Rows of multi-coloured houses flashed passed, smoke from men sitting at cafes wafted into the taxi and the wind whipped at my hair. I turned towards my left and caught Santana smiling faintly at me. I stroked my thumb across her palm in response.

The car turned right onto a straight road up a hill, lush looking bushes and tall date and palm trees lined the road. The pavement rose high above the road and dust collected on the concrete. Pieces of dry brown palm leaves blew across the road and stained brown splodges were pressed into the ground from the fallen dates squished by the tires of cars.

The taxi wheezed up the hill spluttering dangerously at the crest. We topped the hill and I was met with the dazzling welcoming blue of the Caribbean Sea. I gasped relieved and in awe of the view. Adrenalin rushed through me and my knee kept bobbing on the worn out matt on the car floor. I wanted to jump into that sea, take off my hot sweaty clothes and feel the cool water on my skin. I want to feel the breeze though my limbs and smell the island.

I squeezed Santana's hand even tighter. Wanting to share all these experiences I was having with her.

"I, thank you…for this…for everything. I just wow!"

"My pleasure. I Can't believe you haven't left the states before?"

_Santana had never been on holiday before and she grasped her mother's hand pulling her quickly to the baggage arrivals, eager to leave the airport and explore the island. Santana was hot and the girly hat her mother had forced her to wear was not helping at all. She had asked why she couldn't have a cap like her father. Her mother had said that it wasn't lady like and all ladies have an example to set especially when travelling. Santana had stomped her foot at that not giving up that easily but her mother had promptly threatened that if she make a scene, she wouldn't let her wear shorts for the whole holiday and it would be skirts and dresses for two weeks. At that Santana was silenced too shocked at her mother's statement to argue again. When they exited out of the airport Santana gasped in excitement at all these new things around her and she couldn't wait to explore, the only thing just one tiny detail missing was that little Santana didn't have anyone to share it with. _

I shrugged, I had always wanted to and I was offered to go on a dance tour once but I had to turned it down as my mother had gotten sick and I didn't think it was fair to leave her. Other than that I just didn't have time and being a dancer wasn't always reliable pay.

The taxi drove parallel to the beach boardwalk and the wind from the sea was stronger here making it harder to hear in the car as it thudded thought the open windows. The temperature also began to drop minutely as the sun began to fall, however it was still unbelievably hot. The sky turned golden as the sun dipped as if it was hiding behind the sea. The palm tree silhouetted against the yellow sky. It was like a holiday post card view that everyone assumes is a lie. I rested my head on the musty leather of the backseat headrest, wallowing in the experiences. I felt like a new born baby and the views were feeding my eyes, everything was so different and fresh.

"Estamos aquí. Esta es la casa."

The taxi stopped abruptly in front of a tall house that looked like separate boxes had been stuck together to form one home. The house was huge with two visible floors and a balcony. Green bushes and palm trees framed the building. A white metal fence surrounded the house with a small front garden. The grass looked coarse and dry but green.

"Gracias. Esto es, sí" Santana replied to the man, sliding across the leather of the back seat and popping the handle to open the door. I stood up and out of the car too, breathing in the warm still air, and letting my eyes relax to the dark blue shadows and still view. My ears were filled with cricket-y sounds but louder and all around.

The young guy creaked open the boot and placed our two suitcases on the sandy ground beside our feet.

"Aquí" he grunted, motioning towards the bags. Santana thanked him and handed him a few Puerto Rican dollar notes. He nodded and drove away.

"I like it when you speak Spanish"

"I know," Santana replied tiredly. I picked up my case and rolled it towards the front gate, the plastic wheels bumped on the dusty uneven ground.

On the journey here I was so ready to start exploring the minute I arrived but now that it was dark and we were out of the humid taxi and carrying our heavy suitcases to the door I can feel the exhaustion tingling through my muscles and my feet beginning to ache. I yawned, and used my arm to cover my open mouth, I watched as Santana yawned too rubbing the bridge of her nose.

We pushed through the gate and Santana led the way to the front door reaching into her bag and taking out a key with a piece of leather attached to it. She fit it into the slot and opened the door, turning around briefly after, wiggling her eyebrows. I snorted and we both walked into the house the shade covering our bodies I sighed and let go of my case.

Santana flicked a light switch next to me, nothing happened.

"The power needs to be turned on"

"We can do it all in the morning when it's light and we can see; c'mon I'm tired let's find the bedroom."

She rolled her eyes but nodded yawning again. I pulled her hand into mine and led her to where I had seen the staircase, it was wooden and creaked, the house smelt cool and slightly damp and we checked the first door. The bathroom. The next was a guest room. The third was the main bedroom. There was a large double bed in the centre at the back of the room and a window with white cotton curtains on the left. I walked towards the window opening the metal latch and letting in a cool sea breeze into the room. I could see the beach and the once sparkling turquoise sea now a dark navy blue under the night sky. The curtains fluttered lightly in the wind.

Santana was searching in the cupboard at the other side of the room; she took out some bed sheets and pillows. I helped lay them down on the bed, smoothing out the lines the best I could. She sat at the end of the bed and let a long slow breath. The creases in her face relaxed, the stress from the journey ebbing away. I sat beside her and kicked off my flip flops, enjoying the cool floor against the soles of my feet. I flexed my ankles back and forth easing out my calves. Sitting in the taxi for so long had made my legs tense.

"Thank you for this, not just for the holiday but for organising everything and looking after all the important stuff. You're amazing Santana."

She flopped back on the bed and sighed again flicking off her shoes too. I lay down next to her and stared at the ceiling. I could feel my eyelids go heavy.

"Stop thanking me. I should be thanking you, since the day we met you've been there for me and just helped me feel good. Better. So you deserve this."

I reached for her hand and started stroking up her wrist and forearm.

"I think we both needed this," I suggested carefully. "Just some time to get away."

"I think I've needed this for years." She replied.

We undressed and stumbled about together in the dark. Both washing out our mouths in the bathroom and spraying ourselves with cold water from the shower. We left two sets of wet footprints back to the main bedroom, our wet feet slapping against the cool wooden floor. However the heat of the air around us still dried our skin almost immediately.

I slid beneath the sheets already feeling too hot. Santana lay beside me, one hand lolling on her forehead the other drawing circles in my hand between us.

"It's so hot," I sighed breathlessly. She nodded in agreement and pushed the thin sheet off our bodies with her feet. With the sheet off me I could feel the light breeze through the window tickle across the small hairs over my body.

It was too hot to cuddle close so we entwined our arms together but our bodies lay separate. I rested my head next to hers. The darkness of the room was calming and I let it envelope me. Usually I wriggled in my sleep but I was too tired and too content to move. So I lay hand in hand, naked with no sheets but feeling more cosy and comfortable than I had ever been. Santana didn't move either except her thumb stroking my wrist. I leaned over and kissed her shoulder and briefly licking the exposed skin. She slowly turned her head towards me and lazily raised her eyebrows. I shook my head, kissing her again softly on the lips this time. She sighed into my mouth and I lay back returning my head to the pillow.

"Good night" I whispered into her ear.

"It better be" Santana replied.

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